This is something I have been meaning to write about for a while. I feel some people might not agree, but it’s something more people need to understand.
Mental illness is still being stigmatised. Some disorders are misunderstood, others aren’t taken seriously and undermined. Many organisations are yet to put into practice a solid structure and policies to help those with illnesses thrive. We spend so much time raising awareness to others outside the community, we sometimes miss the important issues within.
Some people are using the idea of supporting those with mental illness to their advantage by using it to excuse toxic and abusive behaviours by blaming their diagnoses.
I’m ashamed to admit that before I got help, I was an arsehole and blamed all my anger and toxic behaviour on what I was going through. It wasn’t until I stopped for a minute to evaluate my life, did I realise that I needed to change.
So I’m just going to come out and say it. Mental illness is not a free pass to be cruel or toxic. No matter what your diagnosis, if you are repeatedly negative towards those trying to support you, you need to have a serious look at your actions.
Before I go into what kind of actions I am talking about, I would first like to say that I am not talking about involuntary symptoms. I am explicitly talking about behavioural choices made that negatively impact those around us.
Types of behaviours used to project or misdirect anger/frustration, manipulate people and abuse others are choices.
If you repeatedly say cruel things to others when you are angry or stressed, this isn’t okay.
If you threaten to break up with your partner when you aren’t getting your own way, this isn’t okay.
If someone confronts you about your behaviour and you play the victim, blaming your mental illness and placing guilt tripping them, this isn’t okay.
These behaviours can be changed and must be addressed, because it is not fair to those trying to support you.
If you find yourself constantly hurting people with the things you say or do, it’s important that you reach out for help to tackle this.
If you know you are repeating this pattern of behaviour and someone approaches you about it, don’t immediately call them out for attacking you or bullying. Take some time and reflect on what they have said, is this the case?
In brushing people off and taking no responsibility will ultimately push them away and you’ll find yourself alone.
Today I should be coming home from Japan, but as you may have guessed I didn’t get to go. It made me think of how different things are in comparison to last year. This time in 2019 I was taking a year off from work, living off my savings and even though I felt like I had made some progress, I was still over-planning, I was still unable to get to Birmingham and was a 50/50 chance I would get on the plane for my first holiday abroad.
This year I am working, going out for meals, coming off of medication and before COVID hit, I was actually 100% excited to go back to Tokyo. The change in myself is huge. Before lockdown, I was sitting in Yo! Sushi with my partner eating spicy food after a brief meet up with friends. That is something I could have only dreamed of even four months before.
I have a job which I enjoy and look forward to, it’s only part-time but after two six-day weeks with dining out, babysitting and the gym sprinkled in, I have proven to myself that I am able to take on more. I have attended food festivals, dined out and spent more time in Birmingham. I honestly owe a lot to my holiday last year.
No, I’m not cured. These things do not come easy and some days I still need to mentally prepare myself to walk out the door. I am, however, a lot more confident, a lot happier and I just know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I would say to anyone who is afraid to take the next step, not just in Agoraphobia recovery but in anything. Do it carefully, do it sensibly and you will not regret the decision to just do it. It could change your life.
So what’s next for me?
Well, I am planning more time away and even a solo holiday, but that may be a little further in the future. I’m getting out more, I’m hoping to be more confident around food and I MIGHT even socialise but let’s not get hasty.
This is something I have found particularly difficult to talk about, but I threw a strop yesterday, so here we are.
Today I will be talking about my obsessive and intrusive thoughts surrounding contamination, mainly around mould, insects and dirt. Despite dealing with this for over 20 years, I still find it difficult to describe it in an all-encompassing way.
Chances are, unless you are immediate family, you would never have known or noticed anything strange about my behaviour (other than general awkwardness). With it being part of daily life, I have picked up some little tricks to appear “normal”.
I remember as far back as primary school not wanting to share my crisps on the playground or not wanting anyone to touch my food. I wouldn’t share with members of my family and if they even grazed it, it was theirs. Since then it has kind of evolved.
There were times at uni when I wouldn’t eat or even go into the kitchen because we had an infestation of silverfish. Takeaway was my best friend and I had an abundance of disposable cutlery. Luckily that was only a year. For the other two years I kept my cutlery and dishes in my room, because as lovely and clean as my housemates were, I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else using my stuff.
I can’t eat outside in spring/summer because there are so many flies around. There has been many a BBQ where I wave at people through the window as I eat my burger inside. I am forever mystified at people who have dinner outside and peaceful picnics are fictional as far as I’m concerned.
Cleaning without thick gloves is a definite no, otherwise my hands feel dirty for days, with no amount of scrubbing and washing will take the feeling away (also rubber gloves on fabric surfaces removes pet hair so easily…you’re welcome). I can’t prepare or eat food with my hands during this time, but hey, eating a scone with a knife and fork isn’t all that bad. As long as it is my own personal knife and fork of course.
There are a lot of nuances that quite honestly I don’t understand. I know it’s not rational, I don’t try to rationalise it. I just get on with it.
My family are used to my quirks. I can’t say they understand and I don’t expect them to, but they just let me get on with it.
It’s not a case of just getting over it, all the years of negative thinking and reinforcement has made it difficult to improve. Imagine trying to eat a live spider, how your body would react. That’s what I feel like trying to eat 2 day old bread. It just rejects it. Living with other people ensures that food does not go to waste and I am very aware that this sounds like an overdramatic first-world problem, I would like to point out that I am grateful for being able to afford the food that I want.
I do however hope that there is someone out there that understands, because it is quite a lonely feeling. No Google results come up with anything like this apart from maybe contamination OCD, but even then I don’t feel scared of getting sick…I don’t think. I am not diagnosed and don’t think I would be able to face going through any sort of therapy. The Agoraphobia recovery is enough (and it is going amazingly well, but more on that at a later date.) I guess in a way it is about control. When things get stressful, I find myself having a more difficult time. I don’t know. I will stop oversharing at some point.
I was in two minds whether to post this, but I had a strop yesterday when my pizza turned up with a dead fly on it. Wouldn’t have been a massive deal, but I was two mouthfuls in. I was sick and didn’t eat for the rest of the day. Today I am struggling, but I am cracking on the best I can. I just don’t want to go back to having to check through my entire meal for insects before I can eat. That’s not a fun time.
I will stop complaining about my life now, but I hope at least a couple of people out there don’t think I’m a massive weirdo and anyone that can relate, please reach out.
I thought I would post in honour of world mental health day.
I spoke before about what Agoraphobia is in this post, but today, I’m not talking about definitions and symptoms. I am talking about the daily lives of people living with this disorder and the realities of being Agoraphobic.
Everyone’s experience is going to be different. We all have different things that make us uncomfortable and we are all at different stages of recovery.
I think the best way to talk about this is using my own experience, rather than trying to generalise…so here it goes.
When I was first diagnosed, I had a lot of issues about a lot of things. Leaving my town or going on public transport was a big nope. In my mind I was thinking that if I got on a bus and started to panic, then I had two options. I could stay on the bus and have a panic attack, or I could get off the bus and wait half an hour to get on another bus home, alone and freaking out.
What is the best way to tackle this? Just don’t bother trying. Avoid it. At least that’s what you tell yourself, in reality, you are just making it worse.
I remember one time when I was a little better, I went to Nottingham for the day. We’d just had food and I was walking across the square. I just happened to look around me and noticed how many people there were. I instantly went dizzy and hot. I told my partner that I needed to leave. We started walking back to the car and and then it, one of my worse nightmares. I was sick. Right there in broad daylight in front of a crowd of people.
I had to sit down in a side street and pull myself together. I felt if I moved, I would be sick again. I was dizzy, nauseous, panicking and my head was fuzzy. I wanted to get back to the car, but I didn’t think I could make it safely back without being sick, falling over or dying. I was trapped.
It took about 20 minutes, but I finally managed to get up and drag myself back to the car. As soon as I closed the door, the feelings started to instantly subside. 30 seconds ago, my chest felt tight like I was having a heart attack and couldn’t breathe and had all the symptoms of the flu. Then once I was somewhere I felt safe, I felt better.
Even if I stuck with it and stayed, I would feel sick, extremely tired with a headache and walking round like I was in a dream for the rest of the day. It’s not pleasant.
It all might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you it’s not. These physical symptoms are often the reason people with anxiety or panic disorders do what they can to avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
The symptoms do feel like a heart attack crossed with a fever. Your chest is tight, you are hyperventilating, you are too hot and shaky, you feel sick and faint. Your fingers and toes go numb. Everything is louder and brighter, you can’t focus, you get confused and the only thing clear in your head is that you need to go home.
Even when you are not having a panic attack and you are just anxious, you can feel sick, your mind is fixated on how uncomfortable you feel, your heart is racing. It feels like you are waiting in the wings about to go on stage in front of hundreds of people, only to realise you don’t know your lines. It really doesn’t make for a nice day.
Agoraphobia can make you feel panicked in a room full of your immediate family and closest friends. It can make holidays and social events feel like a nightmare rather than a fun time. When I book in to have my hair done, there is a 50/50 chance I will make it. Other times I’ll be sat in McDonalds bathroom unable to come out.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I am trying to put it in a way that someone who has never experienced it can understand.
I have managed to make my way through most of this with a lot of hard work and therapy. I am stronger and I know myself better now I have fought this.
It’s not just feeling nervous or as easy as just stepping out of the house. It’s something you have to tackle consistently or you slide back down that slippery slope to being housebound again.
In other words, it’s pretty sh*t.
It’s not always like this though. I find comfort in going out and walking in nature. Some of my favourite places are the busiest (London, Brighton and Tokyo). When you achieve something, it honestly feels like you are invincible. It is such an amazing feeling.
I want to raise more awareness about this disorder because it is a lot more complex than people think.
I know, I know. I’m definitely late to this show. But given the topic of my last post, I thought it would be a good time to review this.
Spoiler warning! If you plan on watching this and don’t want it to be spoiled for you, I would recommend whacking on Netflix and giving it a watch before you read this. There are only 6 episodes and I got through it in one evening.
I thought I was going to watch this an offer my honest thoughts and feelings episode by episode writing as I watched. However after writing it, I decided that I would sleep on it as it was quite an emotional rollercoaster and that I would sleep on it to give a bit more of a clear headed perspective.
So the plot basics, we meet Tony, a guy who has lost his wife during the year to cancer. He has a father who has alzheimer’s, a job he finds unfulfilling and a dog that continuously stops him from killing himself. She also happens to be the cutest dog on the planet. The series covers his life over what looks like a month or so and how he deals with his grief.
The Pros…
I laughed, I cried, like I said it was a rollercoaster of emotion. The situation in general was very similar to what we as a family were going through at the time, so it definitely struck a chord.
The show offers a very unique perspective on grief. Unlike in films where they lay about on the settee eating ice cream and finding the perfect partner at the end, in a way romanticizing it. We are looking at a man who has been through the initial stage of shock and denial and is pining, angry and depressed. It offers a real look into the symptoms of grief and the aftermath of losing someone very close to you in an honest and unapologetic way. My absolute favourite parts were where Tony is dealing with people in his everyday life that know his situation but can’t relate and he seems so isolated. Then out of nowhere, he has little moments with people who understand and the connection is so bittersweet and raw. For example, when he goes to the house to interview an old man who received 5 of the same card for this birthday. He initially is uninterested and thinks that this is a complete waste of his time. The old man then reveals that his wife has died and that it’s funny little stories like this he wants to tell her and then remembers that she is no longer there. But little things like getting these 5 cards that just make his day a little brighter.
We also get into the darker side of grief. Julian is a homeless drug user that Tony decides to buy heroin from to escape his reality. Tony states that there’s no point in worrying about it as there is nothing to live for, if it gets bad he can always kill himself. As we get further into the series, it is revealed that Julian lost his girlfriend to a drug overdose and this is how he gets through the day, telling Tony that if he had the money he would buy as many drugs as he could and overdose. Tony gives him the money and Julian kills himself. It shows that grief can lead to difficult, mal-adaptive coping behaviours. Without a support network and ways to properly cope with the loss, he lives a life trying to numb the pain and ultimately dies sad and alone.
The whole show has different people coping with loss in different ways, such as the lovely lady, Anne who sits on the bench and chats to her husband’s grave. She teaches him that life isn’t all about him and that making other people happy can ultimately make him happy. There is also a moment in which she says that she loves her husband so much that she would rather she be without him than he be without her. The friendship he builds with her is definitely my favourite.
The theme of depression is also prominent throughout the series. I thought it was very well written and acted. The unwashed dishes, the messy house, the suicidal intent, the anger. I especially liked the bit where he has no dishes and no milk so he just drank watery cereal. For me, it did not portray depression in this romanticised way that is common in today’s society. It was a very real, very uncensored take.
All the characters are really well written and they play an important role on the pathway through grief. I won’t go on about all the bits I loved, but know that it was the majority of the series.
The Cons…
While I did enjoy this show, there were a few things that I personally didn’t gel with.
The ending in which he gets a bike for the kid who he threatened was a little cheesy for my taste, I didn’t really think it was needed, but again just my personal opinion.
Also the psychiatrist he was seeing rubbed me the wrong way. While yes, I did find their interaction funny, I think it was a bad representation of an already fairly stigmatised treatment path. Maybe I am approaching this as a psychology grad, maybe I’m being too serious about this, but instead of ending where it turns out the psychiatrist has been enabling him to find his own path, it just ends where he decides he no longer needs to go anymore and offers a better insight than as to how he should cope and why. Not everyone needs professional help, but I think indicating that it is unhelpful isn’t the best way to approach this.
Another issue I had was the scenes where Tony is smoking heroin. The drug taking thing does not bother me at all and like I said earlier it shows the darker side of grief and coping with depression. My issue is that it was heroin, one of the most addictive drugs out there. A one hit and you’re hooked kinda deal. It seemed that even after taking heroin twice, there was no consequences and I feel like it was kind of treated like weed. Now there will be a second season, so maybe this will look at the drug addiction thing, but they have already broached this subject with Julian, so guess we will have to wait and see.
Linking to this and as I mentioned in part of the pros section, Tony has developed a kind of friendship with his drug dealer and eventually gives him the money he needs to overdose. I don’t feel like there is much of a reaction. While I think he feels that he had done the right thing because he knows what the dealer is feeling, there is no remorse even after he finds his own path through grief and he just carries on like he hasn’t just committed manslaughter. I kind of get it, but at the same time I think it was kinda swept under the carpet a little bit. Again though, there is a season 2, so maybe it will build on this.
One of the main issues for me is that although it was a great show, it did feel like the whole process was rushed. From multiple almost suicide attempts, anger and stating that the only thing that could make him happy is having his wife back, to going out for a drink with someone and moving into acceptance within a couple of episodes. It did feel a little rushed for me, but that might not have been the case for everyone. They did show the struggle and they did it very well, but I feel one like one minute he was going to drown himself in the sea and taking heroin and the next minute he is buying bikes for kids and asking people for drinks.
Final Verdict…
There were a few reviews I was looking at when writing this post that said that it was unrealistic and said “so he thinks it’s okay to treat people like crap just because he has lost someone? I switched off” And I have to say, I completely disagree with them. As mentioned in my previous post, grief is a very personal thing and the show really reflects the anger, the frustration, the wanting to be left alone and the maladaptive behaviours that can come with losing someone. I feel like maybe if you haven’t experienced loss like this, you might not get as much out of it. I would definitely give this one a watch though. While it may not be perfect and maybe a little rushed, it is not afraid to tackle very real topics and do them justice, while injecting Ricky’s dry and sarcastic humour.
Overall, I would give this show a 8/10 and can’t wait for the second season.
Losing someone in your life is never an easy thing. Whether it be your mum, your grandparent or your dog, loss affects us all. Despite this, it is still a taboo subject in many cultures and it is common to try to distance yourself from the topic of death.
This blog aims to be a guide for those who have lost someone, those who are supporting them and employers. I am not a health professional and therefore I have linked various websites throughout the post that expand on things I mention.
Before I talk about how to cope with loss, I would first like to define the words surrounding this topic.
Bereavement This term is regularly used interchangeably with the term grief or mourning. However, I will be using it to describe the time after loss in which grief is experienced and mourning rituals take place.
Grief I will be using the term grief to describe the reaction to loss. A mental, emotional, social and physical reaction. This can take shape in a number of ways depending a lot on the way a person passed, your beliefs and age.
Mourning I will be using this term to describe the way in which a person overtly expresses grief and the process/rituals of adapting/coming to terms with this change. This again is displayed in many different ways dependent on culture, religion and relationship with the deceased. For example, funerals are a way of mourning,
Types of grief
There are many different types of grief we can experience, but this blog is going to be long enough already, so I will look at the 4 basic types of grief. Click this link to learn about the different types.
Acute Grief This is experienced directly after loss and can be very intense. For someone experiencing it for the first time, the rollercoaster of emotions can be quite frightening. Be assured that what you are experiencing is completely normal and pretty much expected. Symptoms can include tearfulness, numbness, insomnia, shock, breathlessness, anger and depersonalisation. I have included a link to a fact sheet with a comprehensive list of symptoms here.
From this we will eventually move on to “integrated grief.” This is where we are able to look back at happy memories of the deceased and the grief we experience is not overwhelming. Many people will often have a more positive outlook during this stage. This is all part of the “uncomplicated grief” process, which I will be discussing next. Others may move into complicated grief, which I will speak about later.
Uncomplicated Grief I have also seen this called normal grief, however I won’t be using that term. Grief is a very personal thing that can present in different ways, so for that reason I will refer to it as ‘uncomplicated grief.’
Many people know the 5 stages of grief to be denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance. While these emotions and behaviours can be experienced during the process, this is more of a guide than a rigid structure. Some people may skip backwards and forwards between stages, others may not experience all of these.
There are other models of grief which I have linked here. Grief can last for months or years, some theorise that it is never fully resolved. Birthdays and Christmas’ can be particularly difficult, even years later.
There are physical symptoms such as insomnia, change in appetite, illness and feeling sick. If these symptoms persist and do not fade overtime however, please speak to your GP.
Social symptoms: Withdrawal, again if this persists, please speak with you GP.
Emotional symptoms: shock and numbness are often experienced in the early stages of grief. Other common symptoms include sadness, anger, guilt.
Again I have links here and here for a better insight into the symptoms. It is important to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and there is no wrong way to do it. However, I would argue that if you are turning to excessive alcohol use/drug use/abusive behaviour, I would seek help ASAP.
As mentioned above if symptoms persist that impact your day to day life, please contact your doctor. I will speak more about this in the next section.
Complicated grief Grieving is an important process and working through it in your own time is vital. However, it is also possible to get ‘stuck’ at a certain stage of grief. Someone experiencing complicated grief may experience continuing debilitating symptoms such as intense, persistent pining, isolation, continued guilt and self-blame, depression and an inability to carry out their everyday routine.
The relation to the deceased, other existing mental health problems and the circumstances surrounding their death may contribute to the development of complicated grief. This needs to be addressed as soon as possible as if left, can develop into mental health or even physical issues.
If you feel like you are experiencing complicated or prolonged grieving, please contact your GP to look at your options
Anticipatory Grief While grief usually occurs after the death of a loved one, anticipatory grief is a little different. This type of grief is common amongst families and friends supporting someone with a terminal illness, it can also be experienced by the ill person too. Symptoms experienced can be the same as grief after death, also accompanied by feelings of dread.
Mental and physical exhaustion can also be experienced if you are a primary carer for your loved one. If you are aware that passing is fast approaching, every phone call, every change is very stressful and again can lead to exhaustion.
Grief can also be experienced as a response to decline health, change in cognitive functioning or physical abilities.
I will talk more about how to cope with anticipatory grief in the next section. Please see this and this and this link which goes into more depth.
Coping with loss
The death of a loved one is often the worst thing a person will experience and unfortunately everyone will experience loss in their lives. This next section will look at coping with loss as the bereaved, as a support network and as an employer. I will also add an extra section at the end briefly looking at coping with grief as someone with a terminal illness. Links to organisations that can provide support will be added at the end of this post.
The bereaved As mentioned before, grief takes many forms and can affect you mentally, emotionally, socially and physically, so it is important to keep this in mind when you are working your way through the grief process.
Express yourself: There is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions while you are grieving. If you need a good cry, have a good cry, if you don’t feel the need to cry, don’t feel guilty about it. Everyone is different and there is no shame in expressing how you feel. It is healthy, especially during this time.
Talk to someone: Again there is nothing wrong with needing some extra help while you are grieving. There are counsellors/therapists trained especially for this situation that will listen to you with no judgement. They can be helpful in helping you to process your thoughts and emotions. However, if this is not something you feel comfortable with, talk to a friend, talk to a family member. People will be there to help you.
Take your time: Just because someone else seems to have moved through the initial stages of grief quicker than you, don’t feel like you need to push yourself to do the same. As I have said a million times in this article, grief is extremely personal. If however you do feel like you are unable to process your situation, please talk to someone.
Look after yourself: During this time self-care can be low on your list of priorities, however self-care is very important. Take some time for yourself if you need to, do something you enjoy, go out for a walk. By purely focusing on others or any paperwork and arrangements, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed. You deserve to take some time for you.
Anticipatory Grief As mentioned before, unlike other forms of grieving, anticipatory grief occurs prior to the death of a loved one. Dealing with this type of grief is similar to dealing with the above. However, in addition to the above tips, there are the following things to consider:
Communicate: During this time, speak with your loved one about any unresolved issues, say things that you need to say. “I love you” “We will be okay” “I’m sorry that…” This is a chance for you to say goodbye and for you both to find peace and closure.
Communication is also important for the family. This time can be very stressful and emotions can run high. Keep open lines of communication and ensure that you are supporting each other. It is a very difficult time for all of you.
Talk about it: I tried my best to ignore it and hopefully it would all go away. I often refused to accept what was happening. Talking about it with other people can be comforting and can also help you find acceptance. Ignoring the situation will not make it go away.
Focus on quality of life: You both are aware nothing can be done and the inevitable will happen, but there is nothing to stop you from making the most of your time together. Ensuring that your loved one is comfortable, has everything they want and has some valuable time with you can mean a lot. I remember coming home from work and sitting with mum, working our way through Gavin and Stacey and having a laugh. I just wish we’d had more time.
Supporting the bereaved It can be difficult to comfort someone who has experienced loss, especially if this is not something you have experienced yourself. People tend to be worried about saying the same thing or their mind will just go blank. It’s a normal response, death isn’t a part of our everyday life and the person you know will be acting differently to what you are used to. However, being there for someone is easier than you think.
Let them know you are there: Reach out to the bereaved and let them know that you are there with a cup of tea and a chat if they need it. Don’t suggest public places as it can really discourage someone from opening up. Instead make sure you meet in a safe environment where they feel like they can talk and express themselves. Sometimes the person may not want to meet up and may need time for themselves, so don’t feel offended if they decline their offer. Just knowing that you are there can be a huge comfort.
Listen: For most of the time, people don’t know what to say, but in reality nothing you can say is going to magically make them better. Just ask how they are doing, if there is anything you can do for them and just listen to what they have to say. Refrain from comparing their situation to something you have gone through yourself. It is important not to detract from their own feelings and situation. Let them express themselves, that is the important thing.
Be open and accepting of emotion: Be aware that their mood may swing from sadness, to appearing okay, to anger. This is natural. Don’t assume how they are feeling, for example “you must feel really sad”, if someone is having a more positive day, they may feel guilty that they aren’t feeling sad.
Look after yourself: I mentioned this in my ways to help someone with a mental illness post. Looking after yourself is very important too. Just because you are not acquainted with the person that has passed, does not mean that the reactions of your loved one and the situation itself will not affect you. Make sure you take time for yourself and address any feelings you may have.
Do something together: Maybe not in the first week or so, but maybe ask them out for a walk or get together for a film night. Getting them out of the house and doing something can make them feel like they have a support network and a change in environment can work wonders.
Employers It can be difficult to know how to broach the subject of bereavement, even with policies in place. How much time do they need? When should I contact them about return to work? How do I manage their return to work?
The Law The law entitles employees to take time off for emergencies, such as bereavement. During this time, there is no obligation to pay your employee, however as someone who has experienced bereavement, the last thing a person needs after they have lost someone, is added worry of bills if they don’t go to work. This might encourage someone to return before they are ready and that is not beneficial for them or you. So that’s something to consider.
My place of work were incredibly kind and understanding, I was allowed to work from home in what turned out to be mum’s final days, they offered my paid leave, sent me flowers and checked in with me. They contacted me about returning to work after a couple of weeks and were very understanding throughout the whole process.
Returning to work Get in touch with your employee and offer your condolences, this lets them know you are thinking about them and creates a situation in which your employee feels that they are able to discuss this with you.
It is important that while you should not contact them regarding this in the first week or so, that you open a discussion about when they anticipate returning to work. Listen to them and act appropriately. Be mindful of the employees religion and customs as this may take place over a number of days.
Once they return to work, set up a meeting to gage how they are feeling and let them know that if they need any adjustments to ease them back into work, that these are arranged. It may be working from home, it may be a reduction in workload or it could be where they are placed on a shop floor. You must remember that even though your employee has returned to work, cognitively, physically and emotionally, they are still recovering and may not be at peak performance. Regular catch ups are very useful to see how your employee is coping and whether normal work roles can be reintroduced.
Further information regarding this can be found in this comprehensive guide (see link).
Following policy is important, but please keep in mind that you are dealing with a person, not just a member of the workforce.
Coping with terminal illness This blog has spoken about relatives, colleagues and friends, however it is also important to recognise that those with terminal illness’ also experience grief. If you find yourself in this situation, it can be frightening and isolating.
There are many steps you can take to easy the anxiety:
Talk to someone: Whether it be friends and family, a professional or with others experiencing the same thing. Talking about how you feel and expressing yourself can be a great way to get things off your chest and out into the open.
Make your arrangements: You may have many questions such as “what will happen to my body?” “How will my family cope?” By making arrangements and sorting out your affairs can put your mind at rest as you won’t be left with unanswered questions.
Take it one step at a time: The news that you have a terminal illness can put you in a state of shock, numbness or feel completely overwhelmed. Write down your worries, things you’d like to do and things you want to get sorted. Don’t rush into everything all at once and cause yourself more stress. Take things one step at a time and ask for help if you need it.
Let people know how you feel: Tell people you love them, that you’re proud of them. Speak with people and work out your differences, I spoke a little bit about this further up.
Organisations and links
I have put a list of links down below as well as scattering them throughout the article. Please take your time to read through them and seek help if you need it
So I know I have spoken a lot about mental health (that is the theme of the blog after all). I’d like to think that there’s more to me than just a disorder. So I thought I’d dedicate this post to myself and give you all some facts about me that you never asked for. Enjoy!
1. Were you named after anyone? My parents named me after someones dog…thanksguys
2. 3 things that make you happy? Family, goats and horror films
3. Do you have kids? Nope, but the more time Ispend with my niece, the broodier I get.
4. Choose a superpower Teleportation for sure! Want to visit a country? Boop. Woke up late for work? Boop. Really fancy Mexican food but you live in the middle of nowhere? Boop.
5. Tea or coffee? A nice decaf tea, milk, no sugar please 😁
6. How tall are you? A boring 5’5, average (I think)
7. Would you bungee jump? You could not pay me enough!
8. Favourite film? Genuinelycouldn’t pick one, so havemytop 3: REC, Lost in Translation and The Room
9. What is the first thing you notice about people? Probably what they are wearing
10. Favourite game? Silent Hill 2 (I.D.S.T <3)
11. What is the least favourite thing about yourself? My nose! It is the size of a small country!
12. Who do you miss the most? Obvious answer here, my mum. I miss her everyday
13. What is your favourite song at the moment? Joji – Slow Dancing in the Dark I’m O B S E S S E D
14. What did you want to be when you grew up? FBI agent (thank you x files) or a storm chaser. Would still jump at the chance to do either!
15. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? White for sure! I’msuper pale and no one really wants me there.
16. Favourite smells? Freshly baked bread, citrus candles and petrol!
17. Mountain hideaway or beach house? Definitely the beach, I love being bythe sea
18. Favourite sport to watch? Rugby Union! Although figure skating looks pretty darn cool
19. Hobbies? Gaming, painting, watching scary films, going on adventures and writing for you lovely people.
20. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I have a coupleofplaces I want to visit: Israel, Tanzania, Korea, Singapore, Norway and Canada
21. Favourite Food? Either donuts (fried with sugar), Japanese french toast, grapes or pato taquito 🤤
22. Summer or Winter? Winter, no contest! I have terrible hayfever
23. Hugs or kisses? Not a huge fan of either, but if I had to pick, hugs
24. Recommend a book Autobiography: Girl with 7 names by Lee Hyeon-seo Creepy: Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk Mystery: No Time for Goodbyes by Linwood Barclay Hopefully one of those will take your fancy
25. Any tattoos? No, but I’ve had a design for about 9 years whichI’m too scared to get done
26. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? Indoor pool and sauna 100%
27. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Chernobyl, it was equal parts amazing and sad
28. What scares you the most? Silverfish, they’resuper fast, have too many legs and quite frankly are devil spawn
29. What do you think is the most important ingredient for a successful relationship? Honesty
30. What do you hope to achieve by the end of the year? Be able to do a push-up and get back to earning money and being a financially, emotionally stable dudette.
Bonus! My favourite colour is orange. So now you know.
I feel like I’ve channeled my 2008 Myspace self, posting on the message board. Feel free to use this and let people know you are more than just your mental health.
I’m sure a lot of people reading this blog have at some point in their life been affected by mental illness. Whether that be yourself or someone you know.
Sometimes it can feel like you don’t know what to say, how to help or what to do. I know that even when I approach someone else going through the same thing, I can find it difficult to know what to say.
That said, you don’t have to be a therapist or a master of advice to help.
I have compiled a list of 5 things I think could help anyone supporting someone having a rough time or opening up to you about their mental illness.
Obviously this is not an exhaustive list and if people are interested I may look at making a guide for email subscribers, let me know!
1. Hold them accountable for their behaviour
Now I’m not saying call them out when they are trying to cope with their situation in a positive way. Not at all. But… If you are helping someone it is important to set boundaries and let them know what behaviours are unacceptable or dangerous. For example, abuse behaviour or language targeted at you should not be tolerated. Having a mental illness does not give you a free pass to treat people poorly. Ensuring that they are accountable for their behaviour protects the well being of both of you.
2. Don’t judge
Now this may sound contradictory to what I have just said. However, there is a big difference between judging someone and holding them accountable for their actions/words. If your friend, family member, colleague approached you and confides in you about an issue you they having, the last thing they need is “don’t be silly” or “it’s just a crowd of people.” Understand what they are saying and keep an open-mind.
3. Research
There’s never any harm in doing a bit of research. Mental health issues are often more complex than what the media shows e.g. depression is not sadness and Agoraphobia is not being scared of open spaces. A bit of research can help both of you create a more supportive and trusting relationship. A little understanding goes a long way.
4.Listen
This ties in with what I have said before. If someone opens up to you, it doesn’t matter if you have experienced something similar, have a degree in psychology or have your own thoughts about the topic. Stop. There’s nothing worse than trying to explain what you are going through to have someone else interject with “faux professional advice” or brushing off what you are saying. Just listen. Hear what they have to say, ask any questions you have, just give them space to talk. Everyone’s experience is different and while advice is fine, wait for them to ask.
5. Take care of yourself
This to me is the most important thing. Helping someone is not easy, it can be difficult and stressful. Make sure you look after yourself mentally and physically and give yourself space if you need to. Remember, you can’t help someone if you aren’t looking after yourself.
A few weeks ago, I was writing a post about how to cope with important plans at short notice and as I was doing a bit of research I found this (see link).
For those who haven’t had time to read the journal, basically people with anxiety and agoraphobia tend to exhibit “safety behaviours.” These are things we do to feel safer, but in the grand scheme of things they are a major cause of persisting anxiety.
When I did some more research, I found a lot of the things I did and still do are considered to be in this category. For a while I felt a bit like I had failed and not really made any progress. I felt like I had come so far, only to find that I was superficially coping.
So I had a strop and deleted my post.
After my strop I took a step back and gave it some thought. It’s not the end of the world. I managed to travel across the world, get on public transport, go out for meals with small groups of people and spend a day away from home without being sick. So they’re useful…right?
Below is a list of my safety behaviours and the thought process behind each one. I will order them from most used to least used.
(If you are a mobile user, I suggest using landscape view)
It can be easy for an outsider to look at these and see how irrational they are and for the most part I can see it too. Although during editing, I was reading through and still rationalising them to myself. It is how I have lived my life for the past few years, it’s a difficult thought process to break.
Misattribution Theory suggests that by carrying out these behaviours, we are reinforcing the idea that there is a threat and our actions or thoughts are what keeps us safe, when in reality we are safe and what we do to try and protect ourselves change nothing.
We are meant to be trying to control our anxiety, not limiting our exposure to it.
So to answer my earlier question, no. They are not useful.
Start by tackling smaller or lesser used behaviours, ticking them off your list one at a time. Then work your way up to your most used behaviours. While it may seem challenging at first, stick with it. You’ll soon realise that your bottle of water and your clothing don’t really protect you from anything . Just take it one step at a time, keep a diary of your successes and work hard. You’ll get there.
I have some more tips for tackling uncertainty and “what ifs” in an older post.
I’m trying my best to change my behaviours, some I’m actively working on and others…well I’m not quite ready to say goodbye yet.
I am by no means an expert on this subject. My first (almost) airport experience was in December last year; I was having a panic attack outside. It all ended with me going home and missing out on the Christmas markets of Berlin. My fellow agoraphobics will know the stress of feeling like you can’t escape. For me, that’s what going past security signifies for me.
My last airport experience was 5 months later in May. I was returning from an amazing time in Tokyo. A 29 hour, action-packed travel experience.
I’m not going to lie and say it was an easy 5 months prior to getting on the plane, nor was the experience of getting to Japan anything resembling the pictures on the airport website. I would however like to share what I have learnt and how I managed to make my holiday and the journey back something to be proud of.
For those taking your first steps into the world as an agoraphobic such as myself, or as an anxious traveller in general, it will take some hard work, time and preparation, but I promise you it will be worth it.
Before you book…
Tackling anxiety begins before you book the holiday. I know it seems a bit excessive, but trust me on this one.
A basic tip is to choose the month you travel carefully. As someone with no children, I have the luxury of being able to travel whatever time of year suits me, however I know this is not the case for others. July and August (summer holidays in the UK) are some of the busiest times for UK airports with everyone and their nan escaping the English “summertime” for somewhere that reaches above 12c. Half-terms and bank holidays are also subject to crowds. If you are in this situation, never fear, there are plenty of tips here for you.
For those with a bit of flexibility, I would recommend May as the Easter holidays are over and with May Day out of the way, there are 3 weeks in which to get a holiday in. This is what I did, flying out on 13th May. However January, March and September are also months to consider and as they are classed as ‘off-peak’ times, prices are usually cheaper. Win-win!
A useful feature Google has implemented is the ‘popular times’ section, which you will find when you search for your location. There will be a chart showing how busy it will be during certain times and certain days. Honestly, this feature has been a god send for me. I can go out and explore new places or eat at new restaurants without turning into a puddle of stress beforehand.
Pre-airport (>1 month to go)…
Okay great! You’ve booked your holiday and you didn’t die, but your work is not complete.
Holiday shopping, the time I go and buy new clothes a dress size smaller and pray to the heavens that somehow my unchanged diet and exercise will culminate in a flatter stomach. Not this time though. Before flying I decided to buy clothes I would feel comfortable in all day, no jeans, no tight dresses. Having IBS, I tend to bloat quite considerably after eating a meal. I highly suggest UNIQLO for some high quality, decently priced clothes.
So, you are happy with the immense comfort you are going to be in throughout your holiday (while still looking cute, obviously). Now it’s time to get down to business.
Familiarisation with the airport is an important step for anyone anxious about travelling, especially for the first time. My mistake on my failed first attempt is that I had not even stepped foot inside an airport, never-mind familiarised myself with one. There are a few ways you can do this, however a combination can be most effective.
Physical:
Visiting the airport a couple of times before your flight is very useful. Try to pick a quiet day for your first time and just wander through at your own pace. It may be good to try to visit when it’s a little busier, then you can get a feel for what you may be faced with on the day. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, sit and have some food. Make sure you take note of where your check-in desk will be, where the special assistance counter is and where security is. Don’t feel you have to go on your own, it may be useful to take a person you are travelling with.
Try before you fly: I will be making a post of a lot of try before you fly opportunities in UK airports at a later date, however in the mean time I will briefly give you a run down. Many airports offer this throughout the UK to help the thousands of people who are anxious travellers or are travelling for the first time. East Midlands airport, for example, offer a free service which allows a tour of the airport (including through security) and the staff are incredible! You will be able to go through each step of the airport process in the company of fully trained staff, asking any questions you have. Honestly, it’s a huge confidence boost and I would recommend it to anyone.
Fear of flying courses are a good way to get used to the layout of a plane and the feeling of taking off an landing if it’s your first time. I personally haven’t done one of these as the flying part was not a source of anxiety. Most airports offer this service and there are a number of airlines with information about courses they offer. Please note that these are not free and prices may vary. Do some research and find out which course sounds the best for you.
Digital:
Looking through the airport maps and layouts gave me a good idea of what I was going to be faced with after security at Birmingham airport. What shops there were, where the lounge was and most importantly, where could I purchase snacks! If you are nervous, take the maps with you on the day and use them for reference, however I found that once I was there, everything is so clearly signed, I didn’t need them.
YouTube videos are also a good way to get a feel for the airport, especially if you are unable to travel to there before hand. Look at the most recent videos of the airport to see how busy it is and how everything looks. I found this to be relaxing on many of my sleepless nights on the run up to the day.
Special assistance can cover a lot of things. While it can mean providing wheelchairs, it can also be used by people who have hidden disabilities. In Birmingham Airport for example they can escort you through certain areas of the airport and you can even bypass some areas (e.g duty free) altogether if you, or the person you are travelling with get over-stimulated. There are also access to special use toilets which remind people that not all disabilities are visible, which I found comforting. Make sure you book this in advance (at least 48 hours), but I would recommend booking earlier as the airline I flew with advised that they did not provide this service, so I had to speak with airports individually. This isn’t the same with all airlines and some even have a section on the website where you can fill in a form indicating what service you need. You can find more information on the CAA website, or your airline/airport website. If you have any questions, get in touch with them directly, in my experience they will go above and beyond to help.
Checking medication is important if you are travelling somewhere like Dubai. Their medication list can seem a little confusing, however if in doubt, go to the UAE Health and Pevention website and submit an application so your medication is approved prior to your arrival. You will need a signed letter from your doctor confirming you’re not dodgy. However, after all the stress and anxiety the whole situation caused, they didn’t even question anything. So really, unless you are hiding narcotics up your bum, I wouldn’t worry.
Pre-airport (1/2 weeks before)
Packing: to ensure a stress free experience, write a list of outfits and essentials, ticking things off as you pack them. I would also invest in packing cubes to maximise the space in your case and make it easy to find everything.
When packing your hand luggage, make sure you put all your toiletries in a clear plastic seal-able bag and ensure that everything you take complies with airport policy. Leave this in an easily accessible place as you will need to take it out at security. Put your medication in your hand luggage with your prescription and doctors note (if required), again if they question it, all documentation is together and limits the stress. Put your boarding pass, passport and ticket at the front of your bag for easy access, you’ll need these throughout the airport during departure and arrival.
Green lanyard: another useful tip for those with hidden disabilities is the green lanyard. These are available in all UK airports for free. Some places will post them to you, however if you go to the special assistance counter on the day of travel, they will be able to give you one no problem. The lanyard is there to discreetly signal to staff that you have a hidden disability, this can be a comfort to those worried about security. When it is busy, you may be asked if you would like to use express lanes, however this is at the discretion of the staff. Please note, the lanyard does not automatically give you extra support, staff will not usually provide assistance, unless asked.
Get Apps
It’s true when they say that there’s an app for everything. I will be writing about my most used apps for mental health in a couple of weeks, but for now, I’ll give you a short rundown of some apps you might find useful for the airport.
Airline app: this is a must for me, I was able to check in, download an e-boarding pass; look at the food available on my flights; choose my seat and even make a playlist of films and TV shows I was going to watch during my flight. It’s just an easy way to have all the information at your fingertips.
Companion: this is basically pocket CBT. You are able to use it for free, or pay a monthly subscription, which really isn’t expensive, to access all of the features. You can document thoughts, learn about anxiety, practice relaxation and much more. Definitely worth checking out.
Podbean: podcasts seem to be the new ‘in’ thing. With Podbean, you are able to download podcasts to listen to offline, so anywhere, anytime, pop your headphones in and relax. My current faves are the Abroad in Japan podcasts and Lets read, a collection of creepy stories.
Member perks: if you are looking for a good deal or love freebies (let’s be honest, who doesn’t?) it may be worth signing up to be a member of the airline or hotel you will be using. I decided to sign up to become a member of my airline and was able to access WiFi for the whole 11 hour flight, instead of the 2 hours as is standard. It took 30 seconds to do and it was free! It may also give you discounted lounge access (depending on who you fly with).
Check in online: especially if you think it is going to be busy, checking in online is quick and stress free. Once you get to the airport, there may be a different queue for you to just drop your bag off. It’s a great way to speed up the airport process and limit the time you will be queuing. You may be able to pick your seat earlier dependent on the class and airline you are travelling with.
Entertainment: this is a must, especially if you have a long wait. If you have children, look to see whether there is a play area where they can let off some steam before getting on the flight. A deck of cards, a colouring book, something to keep you mentally stimulated can make it feel less like you are waiting to die. A good podcast and a wander round the shops is my preference.
The night before…
The first time I attempted to fly, it was an early morning flight and I hadn’t got a great nights sleep. When I’m tired, I don’t cope well with any amount of stress. Safe to say, I wasn’t on the plane when it took off.
My second, successful attempt, I took some sleep medication and got an early night. The next morning, while it wasn’t all sunshine and daisies, I was more willing to push myself and manage my anxiety.
But what about before that?
The sun is setting and the reality of the situation hits you like…well, a plane.
My evening consisted of hitting the gym, then immediately going home and eating a takeaway. Put a face mask on, horror film on the big telly. Sorted. I also went through the entire process with my partner, from waking up to getting on the plane. It really helped to clear my mind of any worries and doubts floating around in my head.
If you have a distance to travel the next day, maybe consider staying at an airport hotel, so the next day you can wake up and walk across the road. Personally I find a bit of a drive calms me down, but everyone is different.
Finally, if you are travelling for the first time, or with new people, let them know what you need from them. My fellow travel companions got a firm, no nonsense “don’t talk to me”. It’s a miracle that they still put up with me. If you need to be left alone or whether you need little whispers of encouragement, let them know, they will understand.
But remember a good nights sleep is really important.
T-day…
So the day has arrived. All your months of preparation are now being put into practice. You’ve been to the airport before. You’ve watched the YouTube videos. Everything is organised. You know what to do and where you are going. You. Got. This.
Get there in plenty of time; I got there maybe 3 hours before, dropped my bag off and headed for the special assistance counter to get my lanyard. I’m not going to lie, it was still tough and a tear or ten was definitely shed, but instead of thinking “I can’t do this, I need to leave NOW!” I was thinking “I am going at my own pace, I will get there.” I sat at a quiet restaurant opposite security and waited for it to be quiet. I gave myself plenty of time so I never felt rushed and could stop and breathe without fear of missing my flight.
Express security: if it looks busy or you feel like you need to get it over with, think about maybe purchasing express security if offered. However if they see your green lanyard, they may invite you to go through free of charge. Speak with the staff member at the security desk and look at your options.
Lounge access: I was lucky enough to have lounge access for my flight and I couldn’t recommend it enough. It is away from all the hustle and bustle of the airport and depending on which lounge you choose, there are showers, food, drinks and toilets available to you. It gives you a chance to regroup in a quiet, relaxed environment before you get on the flight and continue your journey. Prices vary and as mentioned before, it is worth looking at any membership benefits that may give you discounts.
Wear comfy and easy clothes. What I mean by this is don’t wear your fancy chain trousers or your suit of armour. Anything metal such as belts, jewellery, jackets and sometimes shoes have to be removed before walking through the metal detector. On the other side you will be subject to a quick pat down, so the more simple and light your clothing, the quicker it will be over and done with. If you are not comfortable with doing this in the open, there are sectioned off areas where this can take place. These areas are also a good place to get yourself together before continuing on.
Make sure your phone is fully charged. At some airports they may ask you to show that your phone turns on before they allow you to take it on the flight. To prevent any doubt, make sure your phone is fully charged before you enter the airport. This way you can also make sure you have enough battery to play games, listen to podcasts and text before you get on the plane.
What not to do:
Alcohol: It may be tempting to have a little liquid courage before getting on the plane and one won’t hurt. Just remember if you have one too many, the staff will probably tell you that you aren’t able to fly.
Caffeine: For obvious reasons.
Suffer in silence: If you are having a really difficult time, speak to a staff member. They will be able to point you in the direction of a quiet area or maybe even have quiet rooms available to you.
So that’s it. That’s the post.
Feel free to contact me with any questions and I will help as much as I can.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. If you feel like you may have depression or you would like more information about medication or alternatives, please speak with your doctor.
It’s 2019. Science is the frontier of progress. Medical research has produced millions of peer-reviewed papers. Mental health is a hot topic and is gaining a lot of merit and understanding.
Somewhere in the UK a person hops on twitter and despite all of the above, posts this:
Oh dear.
I have seen an increasing amount of people online demonise medication, whether it be antidepressants or vaccinations and honestly, it angers me.
This blog will focus solely on antidepressants.
As someone that has been on Sertraline for almost 5 years, I can say that they changed my life. I went from lying in bed all day, eating maybe 300 calories and sleeping for 16+ hours, to getting out and finding joy in life again. Hopefully, all being well, I’ll be looking to start the process of coming off them in the next few months.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding against taking antidepressants. That is your choice and I wholeheartedly respect it. I am also an advocate of a healthy diet and exercise as a way to tackle depression.
Antidepressants don’t work for everyone and other people do not react well to certain types. It is also important to note that they are not a perfect wonder drug and it’s important to speak with your doctor about the pros and cons and any concerns before taking the next step.
I am not however, an advocate of posts giving out misinformation and scaring people away who are struggling and looking for help. I’m also not an advocate of criticising the choices people make to tackle their issues and improve their well-being.
I’d like to address some popular beliefs about antidepressants
Taking medication is a sign of weakness
As the saying goes “you wouldn’t be called weak for having a cast fitted for a broken arm,” so why is what is essentially a cast for your mind any different? If you feel like you are unable to cope and are looking for a solution, there is no shame in contacting your doctor to look at your options. It is a positive step and can take a lot of courage to do (I know it did for me). Medication is a way of taking good care of yourself. It is thought around 70.9 million people in 2018 used anti depressants for anxiety and depression in the UK. You are definitely not alone.
Antidepressants will make you suicidal
I’m not going to lie, before I started on Sertraline, my doctor did warn me that for the first month, I may feel worse before I feel better. She also said that if I did start to feel suicidal or have suicidal thoughts to get in touch immediately. Alternatively if you are unable to get in with your GP straight away and ending your life is a serious consideration for you, visit your local hospital or contact the emergency services. During your first month or two, your GP will monitor you closely to see how you are doing. However other research suggests that the risk of suicide is no higher than a placebo.
Antidepressants are a life long addiction
Different people will take antidepressants for a different amount of time, the aim is to make you feel balanced and to get your depression under control. At this point you and your doctor will discuss next steps and may looking at stopping in a controlled way. Some people do take antidepressants for a long-period of time, others don’t. It all depends on your situation. Your body will exhibit mild withdrawal symptoms, known as Discontinuation Syndrome during the process of coming off of your medication (or more severe symptoms of you stop suddenly, which is strongly discouraged)
Antidepressants are a ‘happy pill’
It’s important to be aware that antidepressants aren’t designed to make you feel happy. They are there to make you feel balanced. They will lessen you symptoms of depression. For example, they can give you more energy, motivation and can make you feel less flat.
Antidepressants are the solutions to all your problems
As said before, medication can improve your situation, but it not a quick fix. Treatment works best as a mixture of medication and therapy. On top of this, self-care is very important. A healthy diet, exercise, a healthy amount of sleep and taking time to do things you enjoy can help you feel balanced.
The side effects are bad
The initial couple of months while your body is adjusting, you may have some symptoms such as nausea, drowsiness, diarrhea/constipation, dizziness among others. These symptoms usually go away as the weeks progress. If however these persist, you have symptoms such as suicidal ideation/intent or you continue to feel worse, get in touch with you GP and they will look to try you on a different medication. There are several different options for you, so don’t be disheartened if the first drug you try doesn’t work.
If I don’t start feeling better after the first couple of weeks, they aren’t working
In the first month it can be difficult to tell whether your medication is working. At this point your body is still getting used to the changes so it’s very important that you don’t stop taking them and you continue to take them consistently. To get from severe depression to where I am now, I would say it took about 10 months and some therapy. If however after a month or so you don’t feel like it is doing anything at all, speak with your GP and look at your options.
Everyone has their own battle to fight and should be able to do so without judgement. Whether you rely on medication or a more natural approach, we are in this together. Lets support each other.
“What ifs” are not in themselves an issue, e.g. “what if the traffic is bad?” As a rationale to leave earlier, ensuring that you arrive on time. The problem comes when the statement starts negatively impacting your daily functioning. E.g. “what if the traffic is bad?” As an excuse to stay at home in case you have a panic attack and can’t easily get to a ‘safe place.’
This one little phrase and how you approach it can be make or break.
Before I went to therapy, I hadn’t really given much attention to my specific thoughts, only “oh my god I need to leave now!” However after sitting down with my therapist, she made me realise that the anticipation of leaving the house culminated in a lot of “what if?”
Here are some I still battle with:
“What if I get to the restaurant and it’s busy and I need to leave? What will people think?”
“What if I’m with people that don’t understand and I start panicking?”
“What if I can’t go back to work without panicking and end up in the same state as last time?”
“What if people just think I’m an inconvenience?”
“What if I never amount to anything and have wasted my life?”
“What if I eat and bloat and then my clothes get too tight and I feel sick?”
“What if I get too far away from my ‘base’ and can’t get back easily?”
I know some of these seem silly to most people, I know it’s silly. But in my mind, there is nothing worse than feeling like I have to be in a certain place where I can’t just leave without a) having to explain myself; b) causing a scene or c) ruining the event. It rules my life and makes me miss out on social events and great opportunities.
Uncertainty
Uncertainty is a major player when it comes to anxiety, especially Agoraphobia. Using ‘what if’ and worrying can make it feel like you are taking back control, preparing for the unknown, when in reality you are solidifying your negative beliefs, affirming your behaviour and continuing the cycle of anxiety.
It can manifest in over-preparing, trying to find solutions to things that are out of your control and avoidance.
It is important to stop and evaluate. Does worrying make anything more certain? For example, does worrying about an exam help you to pass?
Learning to accept uncertainty is an important step.
Little steps such as looking at solutions to problems who’s outcome you can impact as opposed to problems you cannot change can be a reassurance.
Another way could be to keep a diary of facing uncertainties. In which you note:
Diary Section
Example
The Situation
The Train
Feared Outcome
Busy train and panic attack
Actual Outcome
It was busy, didn’t have panic attack
How You Coped
Practiced breathing, rationalised my thoughts
Over time, you will see that you are able to manage uncertain situations and they are not as terrifying as they first seem.
A little CBT and challenging your beliefs can go a long way.
For me this is an ongoing process and no matter how well I do, my initial reaction to leaving the house and the moment before I step out the door is “arghhhh, what if..?”
I’m sure with time I’ll get there and so will you.
Life With A 