Tag: doubt

It’s not my fault I treated you like that, I have depression

Al3 Comments

This is something I have been meaning to write about for a while. I feel some people might not agree, but it’s something more people need to understand.

Mental illness is still being stigmatised. Some disorders are misunderstood, others aren’t taken seriously and undermined. Many organisations are yet to put into practice a solid structure and policies to help those with illnesses thrive. We spend so much time raising awareness to others outside the community, we sometimes miss the important issues within.

Some people are using the idea of supporting those with mental illness to their advantage by using it to excuse toxic and abusive behaviours by blaming their diagnoses.

I’m ashamed to admit that before I got help, I was an arsehole and blamed all my anger and toxic behaviour on what I was going through. It wasn’t until I stopped for a minute to evaluate my life, did I realise that I needed to change.

So I’m just going to come out and say it. Mental illness is not a free pass to be cruel or toxic. No matter what your diagnosis, if you are repeatedly negative towards those trying to support you, you need to have a serious look at your actions.

Before I go into what kind of actions I am talking about, I would first like to say that I am not talking about involuntary symptoms. I am explicitly talking about behavioural choices made that negatively impact those around us.

Types of behaviours used to project or misdirect anger/frustration, manipulate people and abuse others are choices.

If you repeatedly say cruel things to others when you are angry or stressed, this isn’t okay.

If you threaten to break up with your partner when you aren’t getting your own way, this isn’t okay.

If someone confronts you about your behaviour and you play the victim, blaming your mental illness and placing guilt tripping them, this isn’t okay.

These behaviours can be changed and must be addressed, because it is not fair to those trying to support you.

If you find yourself constantly hurting people with the things you say or do, it’s important that you reach out for help to tackle this.

If you know you are repeating this pattern of behaviour and someone approaches you about it, don’t immediately call them out for attacking you or bullying. Take some time and reflect on what they have said, is this the case?

In brushing people off and taking no responsibility will ultimately push them away and you’ll find yourself alone.

Living with Agoraphobia

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I thought I would post in honour of world mental health day.

I spoke before about what Agoraphobia is in this post, but today, I’m not talking about definitions and symptoms. I am talking about the daily lives of people living with this disorder and the realities of being Agoraphobic.

Everyone’s experience is going to be different. We all have different things that make us uncomfortable and we are all at different stages of recovery.

I think the best way to talk about this is using my own experience, rather than trying to generalise…so here it goes.

When I was first diagnosed, I had a lot of issues about a lot of things. Leaving my town or going on public transport was a big nope. In my mind I was thinking that if I got on a bus and started to panic, then I had two options. I could stay on the bus and have a panic attack, or I could get off the bus and wait half an hour to get on another bus home, alone and freaking out.

What is the best way to tackle this? Just don’t bother trying. Avoid it. At least that’s what you tell yourself, in reality, you are just making it worse.

I remember one time when I was a little better, I went to Nottingham for the day. We’d just had food and I was walking across the square. I just happened to look around me and noticed how many people there were. I instantly went dizzy and hot. I told my partner that I needed to leave. We started walking back to the car and and then it, one of my worse nightmares. I was sick. Right there in broad daylight in front of a crowd of people.

I had to sit down in a side street and pull myself together. I felt if I moved, I would be sick again. I was dizzy, nauseous, panicking and my head was fuzzy. I wanted to get back to the car, but I didn’t think I could make it safely back without being sick, falling over or dying. I was trapped.

It took about 20 minutes, but I finally managed to get up and drag myself back to the car. As soon as I closed the door, the feelings started to instantly subside. 30 seconds ago, my chest felt tight like I was having a heart attack and couldn’t breathe and had all the symptoms of the flu. Then once I was somewhere I felt safe, I felt better.

Even if I stuck with it and stayed, I would feel sick, extremely tired with a headache and walking round like I was in a dream for the rest of the day. It’s not pleasant.

It all might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you it’s not. These physical symptoms are often the reason people with anxiety or panic disorders do what they can to avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable.

The symptoms do feel like a heart attack crossed with a fever. Your chest is tight, you are hyperventilating, you are too hot and shaky, you feel sick and faint. Your fingers and toes go numb. Everything is louder and brighter, you can’t focus, you get confused and the only thing clear in your head is that you need to go home.

Even when you are not having a panic attack and you are just anxious, you can feel sick, your mind is fixated on how uncomfortable you feel, your heart is racing. It feels like you are waiting in the wings about to go on stage in front of hundreds of people, only to realise you don’t know your lines. It really doesn’t make for a nice day.

Agoraphobia can make you feel panicked in a room full of your immediate family and closest friends. It can make holidays and social events feel like a nightmare rather than a fun time. When I book in to have my hair done, there is a 50/50 chance I will make it. Other times I’ll be sat in McDonalds bathroom unable to come out.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I am trying to put it in a way that someone who has never experienced it can understand.

I have managed to make my way through most of this with a lot of hard work and therapy. I am stronger and I know myself better now I have fought this.

It’s not just feeling nervous or as easy as just stepping out of the house. It’s something you have to tackle consistently or you slide back down that slippery slope to being housebound again.

In other words, it’s pretty sh*t.

It’s not always like this though. I find comfort in going out and walking in nature. Some of my favourite places are the busiest (London, Brighton and Tokyo). When you achieve something, it honestly feels like you are invincible. It is such an amazing feeling.

I want to raise more awareness about this disorder because it is a lot more complex than people think.

Will I Always Be Agoraphobic?

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It’s been 5 years now since my panic attack And while I have definitely improved over the years, I am still definitely not your average girl.

I have been wondering quite a lot recently whether if I continue to step out of my comfort zone, this will all go away.

I can move around my hometown quite easily, although if I need to travel any further or I have to be somewhere, I still get very anxious before leaving the house.

I’m still using unhelpful coping behaviours (wearing loose clothes, carrying water, excessive planning) which I am working on.

Eating out at restaurants is still impossible unless it’s somewhere I’m very familiar with and it’s within a small group.

Socialising is completely out of the window, although I am happy being on my own. I don’t think it’s healthy though.

Thinking about the future, will I have enough time to build a career and travel the world before my baby clock runs out? Or will this be a struggle for years to come?

Who knows?

I think one day I will be able to go and eat food in a large group wearing jeans (I know, I have crazy high aspirations), but will I ever be truly comfortable?

I think one day I will be able to have my dream career, but will I be able to cope with the stress long-term?

I think one day I will look back at this post and smile because everything will be alright

At least I hope so