So I know I was going to talk about self-care this week, however I am still not happy with the post I’ve written. I made a post last year on the topic, but rest assured that I will get this new one out soon.
As mentioned last week, I was meant to go to Nottingham a couple of weeks ago, but didn’t make it. So yesterday I tried again and I did it! I went on the train, it wasn’t super busy, but busy enough to be a challenge. I went and browsed in a clothes store and I even sat inside and ate sushi. Really exceeded my own expectations and I am so so proud of myself. It’s given me hope that I will slot back in to where I left off soon enough.
It got me thinking though, I’ve really done well in my recovery and I would really like to share the things that I do that have gotten me this far. Obviously as I make clear in all of my posts, I am not a professional and these tips might not necessarily work for you, but I hope they give you an idea of how to take the first steps on your own journey.
Do not rely on safety items/people: I know when I first started going out that I always used to take a bottle of water with me, I always used to wear dresses that didn’t press on my stomach too. Previous post on this topic here. I do to an extent feel comfortable going out with the same people or on my own, but I’m trying to change this. Basically, having a safety item is confirming to yourself that there is something to be anxious about and by carrying this item you are staving off panic. To take your first steps, this can be really helpful, but continuing to rely on them can hinder you in the long term because you are constantly reaffirming that your beliefs about being outside, or whatever your triggers are, are valid.
Consistency is key: Exposure therapy is considered the best treatment for Agoraphobia and I would have to agree. I can give you the basics of how to do this, but again I’m not a professional, so what I will do is link you to some articles and resources that will help you to get started. What I will say though is practicing exposure therapy every day or as often as you can is the key to success. The more you face a situation, the better you will feel about it. It’s helpful because you get to understand your body and your limits. For me, I find that now because I know how to handle my anxiety (mostly) and I was in the situation before where I had to do something drastic (19 hour flight), that I can push myself a bit further in some situations. I wouldn’t suggest throwing yourself into the deep end though (flooding) because it doesn’t always work out and can in some cases make your anxiety worse.
Over-preparation Again going back to the flight situation. I was so nervous that for a year I got every bit of information I could about the airport, which terminals I was going to be arriving in, what they looked like, the layout of the plane. Literally every bit of information that was available, I had. You know what though, I still panicked. Over-preparing isn’t helpful because you are still trying to control every aspect of a situation, when in reality you can’t prepare for every eventuality. For example, my trip to Nottingham yesterday, I checked train times, I had a quick look on the map where I wanted to go in relation to the train station and that was about it really. Everything in between was just played by ear. A couple of years ago that would have terrified me, but realising that you can’t control everything around you and sometimes things can go wrong e.g. the trains are delayed, it’s busier than you expected, the road you need to walk down is closedetc, and trying to accept that has probably been the biggest help in my recovery. It isn’t an easy step to take and it takes a lot of practice, I will link some resources about accepting uncertainty at the bottom of the page.
Accept how you are feeling If I am going out somewhere I’ve never been before or if I’m having a bad day, I will usually follow the same pattern. I will be really nervous before I leave the house, then I’ll be fine once I’m travelling and then when I get where I’m going I’ll be really anxious again and then after about 20 minutes I’ll be okay again. I know that’s usually the drill unless it’s somewhere that I really find difficult such as a restaurant. I find that just accepting that this is how I’m feeling and riding it out is better than fighting the anxiety and making it worse. Obviously if it is getting to the point of a panic attack I remove myself from the situation, but just feeling anxious, like maybe up to a 6.5 or 7/10 I try to stay with it. I also think it helps to tell the people you are with how you are feeling too so that you don’t have to hide your anxiety. I used to feel like I had to pretend I was fine so I wasn’t inconveniencing other people, but that made it harder to get out. I now straight out tell people what I’m feeling and it seems to help. The other thing I think is important to remember is that being nervous is normal, as long as it’s not excessive.
Identify your anxiety Sometimes in the summer you can get too hot. That can make you think you are panicking, when in reality its 25c and humid, you’re allowed to be hot. You might have an exam and feel nervous, this also isn’t anxiety. Being nervous is a normal human emotion and it can be easy to forget that sometimes. Being nervous doesn’t mean you are going to have a panic attack. Reminding yourself that not every unpleasant feeling means that you are experiencing anxiety.
Medication and therapy isn’t a sign of weakness I’m not ashamed to say that both medication and therapy have been a great help to get me started on my journey and I don’t think I’d be where I am today without the tools CBT gave me. It’s also perfectly fine if you feel you don’t need either. I would recommend therapy though because it can give you some self-awareness and the toolkit to continue your journey long after your sessions have ended. There are many options, not just CBT, but this is the only one I feel comfortable recommending because it’s the only one I have experienced. Take a look online at what is available online or in your area and see if there is anything that you feel would bit a good fit for you. Medication again is a good option to run alongside therapy. Sometimes the first one you try might not work for you, don’t be discouraged. It’s quite common and there are plenty of different types available. I wouldn’t recommend a certain type because everyone is different. Speak to your GP and look at options. You wouldn’t feel ashamed to get medication for an infection or a cast for a broken leg. If your brain needs that extra support, it should be treated the same way.
Celebrate your goals What you are fighting is complex and the journey through recovery can be difficult. Whether it’s going somewhere you have never been before, extending your exposure time or opening the front door, it is so so important to celebrate your achievements and it’s more than okay to be proud of yourself!
So this week is Mental Health Awareness week. Last year I opened up about my OCD tendencies in this post, but this year I thought I would talk about something that I think will resonate with a lot of you.
Possibly one of the most important things to know if you are coping with a mental illness is that, as the title suggests, that recovery is not linear.
So to use myself as an example:
As many of you know, I am Agoraphobic which means that I struggle in places where I feel trapped. This time around 7 years ago I was housebound after I finished university and with some amazing therapy was able to get myself back out there. Then about 4 years later I struggled, had a bit of a breakdown and ended up quitting my jobs and living off of my savings for a year.
Just before lockdown I was doing really well, I was going and sitting in restaurants with my other half and not having a panic attack and I actually went to a food festival, I was comfortable in a new job. Through lockdown I took on some voluntary work to get me out of the house, but only within my own town really. Now as lockdown is easing, I am struggling a little.
I told myself that I was going to go into the next town over about 10 minutes away on public transport and that went really really well, so last week my next challenge was Nottingham, my closest city. The day I was meant to go I woke up and I felt so sick at the thought of even leaving the house and I didn’t end up going. We are trying again next week though, so hopefully things will go better.
As you can see, I have come a long way from being housebound all those years ago, but it hasn’t by any means been a straight line through to the point I was at before lockdown and honestly I feel like I have taken a step back in recovery.
You know what though, that’s okay.
No one could have predicted that a pandemic or lockdown was on the horizon. My routine has drastically changed, I’ve not been getting out of my comfort zone regularly and I’ve spent most of it not feeling any kind of anxiety at all, just in my little bubble. Now restrictions are easing, it is yet another drastic change being thrust back into society with the pressures of a job and social expectations/events is obviously going to be a bit of a shock.
It’s important to recognise that recovery is not going to happen overnight, it can be frustrating and there are times when it will feel really hard. A big life event might put the brakes on recovery, a little life event might put the brakes on recovery, sometimes you’ll have a good day and a couple of bad days.
There are also a couple of things I would suggest to help you through recovery (again I am not a professional, these are points I have come to realise for myself and I will link some articles at the end for you to do some further research).
Make self-care a priority. Self-care isn’t just facemasks and bubble baths. It is about ensuring you are keeping your mental and physical health in check. Reflect on how you are feeling, set boundaries so you don’t take on too much work or enter situations you are not comfortable with, it’s about learning your triggers and how to deal with stressful situations. I will be writing a post about this next week so hopefully that will be of some use to you.
Understand that mental health is fluid. No one is doing great all the time, no one is doing terrible all the time. Having days or even long periods where you feel you aren’t at your “peak” is natural. Identifying triggers or stressors can help deal with these situations.
You aren’t failing. I felt like this when I didn’t make it to Nottingham, but in reality I’m not failing. I have made massive progress and a little dip isn’t going to change that. I know that it might be a bit of hard work to get to where I’d like to be and I will keep trying until I get there. The fact that I can’t do it right now, means exactly that. I can’t do it RIGHT NOW.
Recovery isn’t an end goal. Jade, the Author of the article “Recovery Isn’t Linear: The Importance of Realistic Recovery” put it quite nicely. She said: “Recovery isn’t some big, shiny end goal: it is a journey of constant improvement, growth, and, sometimes, mistakes.”
Remember, we are all dealing with a lot right now. Look after yourself and you’ll get there.
I have linked a few articles and posts from other people on the same topic as well as some relapse prevention resources below:
This is something I have been meaning to write about for a while. I feel some people might not agree, but it’s something more people need to understand.
Mental illness is still being stigmatised. Some disorders are misunderstood, others aren’t taken seriously and undermined. Many organisations are yet to put into practice a solid structure and policies to help those with illnesses thrive. We spend so much time raising awareness to others outside the community, we sometimes miss the important issues within.
Some people are using the idea of supporting those with mental illness to their advantage by using it to excuse toxic and abusive behaviours by blaming their diagnoses.
I’m ashamed to admit that before I got help, I was an arsehole and blamed all my anger and toxic behaviour on what I was going through. It wasn’t until I stopped for a minute to evaluate my life, did I realise that I needed to change.
So I’m just going to come out and say it. Mental illness is not a free pass to be cruel or toxic. No matter what your diagnosis, if you are repeatedly negative towards those trying to support you, you need to have a serious look at your actions.
Before I go into what kind of actions I am talking about, I would first like to say that I am not talking about involuntary symptoms. I am explicitly talking about behavioural choices made that negatively impact those around us.
Types of behaviours used to project or misdirect anger/frustration, manipulate people and abuse others are choices.
If you repeatedly say cruel things to others when you are angry or stressed, this isn’t okay.
If you threaten to break up with your partner when you aren’t getting your own way, this isn’t okay.
If someone confronts you about your behaviour and you play the victim, blaming your mental illness and placing guilt tripping them, this isn’t okay.
These behaviours can be changed and must be addressed, because it is not fair to those trying to support you.
If you find yourself constantly hurting people with the things you say or do, it’s important that you reach out for help to tackle this.
If you know you are repeating this pattern of behaviour and someone approaches you about it, don’t immediately call them out for attacking you or bullying. Take some time and reflect on what they have said, is this the case?
In brushing people off and taking no responsibility will ultimately push them away and you’ll find yourself alone.
As lock-down eases and people start to take their first steps back into the world, something has begun to affect many of us. Anxiety.
I’ve seen a lot of people express their feelings of worry and discomfort about integrating back into society. Those living an average life pre-corona have now found themselves with a racing heart while out shopping for socks. Others are very reluctant to return to work, which I can totally relate to. I was fine until given a date and now I am feeling those little butterflies resurfacing for the first time since lock-down began.
Despite being stuck inside for months, people across the UK aren’t so ready to venture back outside just yet. Don’t get me wrong, I imagine there are plenty of people at the pub today and I definitely saw those queues for Ikea and Primark all over social media. Although looking at the comments of articles, you can see a lot of people stating that they will be staying at home for the foreseeable.
In amongst all this uncertainty and change, I find myself in a unique position in that I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I have been housebound before and have made my way back to the point where I can hold down a job. Obviously my journey will be a little different from yours in that my thoughts and fears stemmed from something completely unfounded and irrational as apposed to what has been happening in the real world. I do think however I may be able to provide some insight into how you can begin to accept change and feel more comfortable with the current situation.
Why am I anxious?
This is a common question I have found people asking themselves. People have expressed to me that they have had the “first day at a new job” nervousness and when asked why, they couldn’t really tell me. Similarly, others have said they they found themselves avoiding going into town and when putting their discomfort aside and venturing in, finding themselves feeling incredibly anxious in a place they have known and frequented for years. Again, when asked why, they couldn’t tell me.
It can be very distressing to find that places you once enjoyed visiting are now places that hold negative feelings and even more so when you can’t pinpoint why you are feeling the way you are.
I’m going to explore several reasons why you might find yourself in this situation.
Big changes to your routine and lifestyle People that are used to going to work 5 days a week suddenly are at home 24/7, people who are still working don’t get to see friends and family to blow off steam. Everyone in the country had a period of adjustment when going into lock-down and after months of living like this, it’s only natural to need the same period of adjustment when lock-down eases. Disruption can be very uncomfortable and some of us are coming out of lock-down in a very different situation with the loss of jobs and loved ones.
Uncertainty Re-entering a familiar society with unfamiliar rules and restrictions can create a lot of uncertainty. We as humans can often struggle a lot with this and especially when we can’t base this on anything we have experienced in the past. Going into places and not knowing what to expect, having to navigate this situation potentially on your own. It can be very daunting.
Worried about doing something wrong Going the wrong way down an aisle, walking up to the bar when it’s now table service; no one likes feeling that their every move is being scrutinised or that they are being judged negatively by their peers.
Worried about catching or unknowingly passing on COVID This is pretty self-explanatory. Not everyone is going to stick to restrictions and rules and with the virus still present, it can easily be at the forefront of your mind. It is a rational concern and you won’t catch me at the pub anytime soon.
What can I do?
First I want to point out that feeling anxious about this situation is completely normal. If you find yourself questioning how you are going to cope with the constantly evolving rules, again that’s perfectly fine. To use 2020’s favourite word, this whole situation is ‘unprecedented.’ Not many of us have anything to base our next steps on.
There are three points I would like to make that I think you will find helpful going forward:
Take your time Just because the world is re-opening, doesn’t mean you have to jump back in head-first. Plenty of people have decided to skip their holidays regardless of government advice. Not everyone will be going back to the pub today and with gyms supposedly opening in the next couple of weeks, I can’t see people flooding back to those either. If you don’t feel that it is safe to do so, then you have every right to stay at home. I know I will be. If you want to go shopping, maybe go at quieter times, go for a walk when it’s quieter. If you still want to do your online Tesco shop, absolutely fine. Don’t let people pressure you into going places and doing things you aren’t comfortable with.
Communicate I cannot state this enough, it is okay to talk about how you are feeling. It is okay to speak out if you are struggling. It is okay to question things you don’t understand or aren’t sure of. Communication is key, I would argue now more than ever. If you are struggling with your mental health or feel like you are really struggling to reintegrate into society, speak to your GP. We have all been through our own version of lock-down, so just because your friend on Facebook is doing fine and dandy, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong or weak of you to feel any different. The same goes for returning to work. Speak to your employer if you have any concerns or questions about returning. No question is a stupid question. It might be that if you have a health condition, you may be asked to remain on furlough until further notice. Speak out about how you are feeling, reach out for help. If you don’t feel like there is anyone else, I’m always here.
Be kind to yourself. Just because Margaret down the road is going out to the shops and sipping a pint in the pub, doesn’t mean that you have to be too. Looking after yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally is more important than keeping up appearances.
Final Note: if the place you are going to wants you to wear a mask, wear amask. Unless you have medical exemption, there is no excuse not to be respectful of rules in someone else’s establishment. If someone wants to wear a mask where it’s not required, then again just be respectful. We’re all reaching for normality, the least you can do it be kind to others too.
Today I should be coming home from Japan, but as you may have guessed I didn’t get to go. It made me think of how different things are in comparison to last year. This time in 2019 I was taking a year off from work, living off my savings and even though I felt like I had made some progress, I was still over-planning, I was still unable to get to Birmingham and was a 50/50 chance I would get on the plane for my first holiday abroad.
This year I am working, going out for meals, coming off of medication and before COVID hit, I was actually 100% excited to go back to Tokyo. The change in myself is huge. Before lockdown, I was sitting in Yo! Sushi with my partner eating spicy food after a brief meet up with friends. That is something I could have only dreamed of even four months before.
I have a job which I enjoy and look forward to, it’s only part-time but after two six-day weeks with dining out, babysitting and the gym sprinkled in, I have proven to myself that I am able to take on more. I have attended food festivals, dined out and spent more time in Birmingham. I honestly owe a lot to my holiday last year.
No, I’m not cured. These things do not come easy and some days I still need to mentally prepare myself to walk out the door. I am, however, a lot more confident, a lot happier and I just know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I would say to anyone who is afraid to take the next step, not just in Agoraphobia recovery but in anything. Do it carefully, do it sensibly and you will not regret the decision to just do it. It could change your life.
So what’s next for me?
Well, I am planning more time away and even a solo holiday, but that may be a little further in the future. I’m getting out more, I’m hoping to be more confident around food and I MIGHT even socialise but let’s not get hasty.
This is something I have found particularly difficult to talk about, but I threw a strop yesterday, so here we are.
Today I will be talking about my obsessive and intrusive thoughts surrounding contamination, mainly around mould, insects and dirt. Despite dealing with this for over 20 years, I still find it difficult to describe it in an all-encompassing way.
Chances are, unless you are immediate family, you would never have known or noticed anything strange about my behaviour (other than general awkwardness). With it being part of daily life, I have picked up some little tricks to appear “normal”.
I remember as far back as primary school not wanting to share my crisps on the playground or not wanting anyone to touch my food. I wouldn’t share with members of my family and if they even grazed it, it was theirs. Since then it has kind of evolved.
There were times at uni when I wouldn’t eat or even go into the kitchen because we had an infestation of silverfish. Takeaway was my best friend and I had an abundance of disposable cutlery. Luckily that was only a year. For the other two years I kept my cutlery and dishes in my room, because as lovely and clean as my housemates were, I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else using my stuff.
I can’t eat outside in spring/summer because there are so many flies around. There has been many a BBQ where I wave at people through the window as I eat my burger inside. I am forever mystified at people who have dinner outside and peaceful picnics are fictional as far as I’m concerned.
Cleaning without thick gloves is a definite no, otherwise my hands feel dirty for days, with no amount of scrubbing and washing will take the feeling away (also rubber gloves on fabric surfaces removes pet hair so easily…you’re welcome). I can’t prepare or eat food with my hands during this time, but hey, eating a scone with a knife and fork isn’t all that bad. As long as it is my own personal knife and fork of course.
There are a lot of nuances that quite honestly I don’t understand. I know it’s not rational, I don’t try to rationalise it. I just get on with it.
My family are used to my quirks. I can’t say they understand and I don’t expect them to, but they just let me get on with it.
It’s not a case of just getting over it, all the years of negative thinking and reinforcement has made it difficult to improve. Imagine trying to eat a live spider, how your body would react. That’s what I feel like trying to eat 2 day old bread. It just rejects it. Living with other people ensures that food does not go to waste and I am very aware that this sounds like an overdramatic first-world problem, I would like to point out that I am grateful for being able to afford the food that I want.
I do however hope that there is someone out there that understands, because it is quite a lonely feeling. No Google results come up with anything like this apart from maybe contamination OCD, but even then I don’t feel scared of getting sick…I don’t think. I am not diagnosed and don’t think I would be able to face going through any sort of therapy. The Agoraphobia recovery is enough (and it is going amazingly well, but more on that at a later date.) I guess in a way it is about control. When things get stressful, I find myself having a more difficult time. I don’t know. I will stop oversharing at some point.
I was in two minds whether to post this, but I had a strop yesterday when my pizza turned up with a dead fly on it. Wouldn’t have been a massive deal, but I was two mouthfuls in. I was sick and didn’t eat for the rest of the day. Today I am struggling, but I am cracking on the best I can. I just don’t want to go back to having to check through my entire meal for insects before I can eat. That’s not a fun time.
I will stop complaining about my life now, but I hope at least a couple of people out there don’t think I’m a massive weirdo and anyone that can relate, please reach out.
I thought I would post in honour of world mental health day.
I spoke before about what Agoraphobia is in this post, but today, I’m not talking about definitions and symptoms. I am talking about the daily lives of people living with this disorder and the realities of being Agoraphobic.
Everyone’s experience is going to be different. We all have different things that make us uncomfortable and we are all at different stages of recovery.
I think the best way to talk about this is using my own experience, rather than trying to generalise…so here it goes.
When I was first diagnosed, I had a lot of issues about a lot of things. Leaving my town or going on public transport was a big nope. In my mind I was thinking that if I got on a bus and started to panic, then I had two options. I could stay on the bus and have a panic attack, or I could get off the bus and wait half an hour to get on another bus home, alone and freaking out.
What is the best way to tackle this? Just don’t bother trying. Avoid it. At least that’s what you tell yourself, in reality, you are just making it worse.
I remember one time when I was a little better, I went to Nottingham for the day. We’d just had food and I was walking across the square. I just happened to look around me and noticed how many people there were. I instantly went dizzy and hot. I told my partner that I needed to leave. We started walking back to the car and and then it, one of my worse nightmares. I was sick. Right there in broad daylight in front of a crowd of people.
I had to sit down in a side street and pull myself together. I felt if I moved, I would be sick again. I was dizzy, nauseous, panicking and my head was fuzzy. I wanted to get back to the car, but I didn’t think I could make it safely back without being sick, falling over or dying. I was trapped.
It took about 20 minutes, but I finally managed to get up and drag myself back to the car. As soon as I closed the door, the feelings started to instantly subside. 30 seconds ago, my chest felt tight like I was having a heart attack and couldn’t breathe and had all the symptoms of the flu. Then once I was somewhere I felt safe, I felt better.
Even if I stuck with it and stayed, I would feel sick, extremely tired with a headache and walking round like I was in a dream for the rest of the day. It’s not pleasant.
It all might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you it’s not. These physical symptoms are often the reason people with anxiety or panic disorders do what they can to avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
The symptoms do feel like a heart attack crossed with a fever. Your chest is tight, you are hyperventilating, you are too hot and shaky, you feel sick and faint. Your fingers and toes go numb. Everything is louder and brighter, you can’t focus, you get confused and the only thing clear in your head is that you need to go home.
Even when you are not having a panic attack and you are just anxious, you can feel sick, your mind is fixated on how uncomfortable you feel, your heart is racing. It feels like you are waiting in the wings about to go on stage in front of hundreds of people, only to realise you don’t know your lines. It really doesn’t make for a nice day.
Agoraphobia can make you feel panicked in a room full of your immediate family and closest friends. It can make holidays and social events feel like a nightmare rather than a fun time. When I book in to have my hair done, there is a 50/50 chance I will make it. Other times I’ll be sat in McDonalds bathroom unable to come out.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I am trying to put it in a way that someone who has never experienced it can understand.
I have managed to make my way through most of this with a lot of hard work and therapy. I am stronger and I know myself better now I have fought this.
It’s not just feeling nervous or as easy as just stepping out of the house. It’s something you have to tackle consistently or you slide back down that slippery slope to being housebound again.
In other words, it’s pretty sh*t.
It’s not always like this though. I find comfort in going out and walking in nature. Some of my favourite places are the busiest (London, Brighton and Tokyo). When you achieve something, it honestly feels like you are invincible. It is such an amazing feeling.
I want to raise more awareness about this disorder because it is a lot more complex than people think.
So I haven’t posted in a while, but that will change soon. I have about 35 posts to write and schedule and PLENTY of ideas for future posts and series, so hopefully by the end of the month we’ll be back on it!
I haven’t just been sitting around however, I’ve:
Opened two online stores on Spreadshirt, one looking specifically at mental health and the other is for home decor posters to frame. I’ll put my links on the site once I have reworked some of the designs. (I’m hoping to open an online store with home made mental health stuff, but I need to find the time!)
Collaborated with a mental health team to give one of my items away as part of a their first anniversary celebration.
Been creating cool freebies for a mailing list I will be launching later in the month
Had one of my posts was published on a website, which is exciting!
Taken the next step to getting back on track and have been looking for jobs. Happy to say I have been offered a little part time position in my hometown which is perfect for me right now. I love my team and couldn’t be happier. I’m already feeling more confident.
Found a new love…crochet. I’m picking it up quite quickly, so I will be able to show you some of my little creations soon (hopefully!) I’m such a cool person
I’m working out most days now and choosing healthier food options. I’ve put on a fair bit of weight and am aiming to lose 1.5 stone by the end of the year.
As you might also be able to see, I have given the blog a little update. I fancied changing things up so I hope you like it! I’ll be making little changes here and there before I’m truly happy with it, but please give me some feedback.
Also as of today, I am back on the countdown to my next Tokyo Trip in June. I can’t wait and will definitely be writing a lot more about this.
It’s been a busy time.
Overall I am really doing well right now, this blog has given me purpose and I feel very motivated to continue to grow and learn.
Lots of exciting things ahead, so watch this space!
So you’re sat outside in the sun, hanging out in the park. It’s 33c and you are wearing weather appropriate clothing. The next thing you know your anxiety is through the roof and you have to go home. Sound familiar?
Those of you in the UK will know, it’s a bit warm and it’s set to get warmer.
For many it is a time to get to the beach, hang out at the pub or go on an adventure.
Not for all of us.
Hot weather can be tough for a lot of people and for those with mental and physical illnesses it can feel impossible. I saw a few people in the Twitter community who cancelled their plans or cut plans short due to the heat affecting their mental health.
But why is this?
The Science
On a hot day, our body is fighting hard to keep our body temperature within a normal range. In order to cool down, we tend to sweat more and our capillaries dilate to increase the rate of heat loss.
Good stuff.
However, our heart rate also increases and blood pressure rises. Studies show that hot weather has been linked to higher levels of irritability and lower concentration and mood.
All this combined with a poor quality of sleep due to humidity and heat, is a bad mixture for those with mental health issues.
My Experience
Tiredness, irritability and high heart rate is an unfortunate combination which can culminate in a panic attack. For me feeling hot with an increased heart rate is a sign that I’m panicking. So when I’m too hot, the physical reaction tells my brain I am panicking, when in reality, I’m not. But the thought that I might be panicking, causes me to panic. I love the human brain sometimes. So logical.
Increased irritability also makes me less tolerant of people. In a busy place, instead of being calm and working through it, it’s just so easy to get overwhelmed. Again. Panic.
How to help yourself
You may be tempted to just stay inside and avoid making any plans during the hot weather, but do you really want to miss out on a nice day?
While it will take some perseverance, having fun during a heatwave is possible.
Plan accordingly. If you are out in the sun all day you want water and sun cream. Dehydration increases the risk of heat related illnesses and suncream is always important. Dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable, but will also prevent you from overheating. Cotton and linen are good materials as they are light and airy.
Choose your destination. Maybe avoid sitting inside when eating at a restaurant or avoid using the oven when at home. Avoid staying in confined spaces for an extended period of time. Anything that is going to make you feel warmer just be careful. Why not go to the beach, to the park or go swimming? If you are going to be somewhere where it will be warmer, keep drinking water and maybe splash your face from time to time to stay cool.
Helpful purchase. A small handheld electric fan can be a lifesaver, especially if you find yourself on public transport or a busy place. Make sure you pack some spare batteries!
Working? Again wearing light clothing, ensuring that you have access to a fan and eating cooler foods such as a salad can make a big difference. Take frequent breaks and If you do feel like the heat is affecting your health make sure you let your boss know. Employees have a right to a safe working environment.
Remind yourself that if you are feeling hot, you are not panicking. It’s just hot. Then maybe take some time inside or in the shade to cool down.
These things all sound relatively basic, but taking extra care in the heat can really help you face a hot day.
Last but certainly not least, be kind to yourself. Being too hot isn’t a pleasant experience for anyone and it can be daunting to make plans in the midst of a heatwave. If you need to head home for a shower or need a couple of minutes in front of a fan, that’s okay. Don’t make yourself ill.
Also as a side note, make sure you check on elderly or vulnerable neighbours and family during the heat to make sure they have the means to stay cool.
Stay safe and look out for each other my dudes and dudettes!
Safe spaces; it’s safe to say that this phrase has caused a lot of controversy over the past couple of years, with institutions like Universities offering places for students to be in a space free of conflict and bias while the students are then being branded “special snowflakes.” As someone who has never needed one of these safe spaces, I will refrain from giving my opinion and leave that to the people who are more invested in the subject.
I want to instead talk about safe spaces in regards to anxiety. This is not a place for a collective to gather, it is a place for an anxious person to feel…well…safe. Most times for an Agoraphobic, this will be at home. A place where they won’t be subject to stressful stimuli or panic attacks.
A safe space where you can sit and take a moment to breathe, a place you aim to get to. For me safe spaces are my home, my sisters, my nans, a car and a toilet. When I was going away, the lounge was safe space, the plane was a safe space and the hotel was a safe space.
These are places I am not constantly thinking about the world around me and super aware of every little thing my body is feeling. It’s a place I can eat, a place where I can enjoy myself.
But the question is, are they truly helpful?
A safe space can help reduce your anxiety, it is a place to recharge and a place to just be you. For a lot of us this space is somewhere we want to be, somewhere we can’t wait to get back to.
And that’s part of the problem.
A couple of posts ago, I spoke about safety behaviours. These are things that we do to trick ourselves into thinking that we are safer, when in reality we aren’t in danger in the first place. Examples are taking medication before you go out or carrying it with you, wearing non-restrictive clothing or going out with a person who you deem as a ‘safe’ person. These are behaviours that are unhelpful and a hindrance rather than a help.
Safe spaces act in a similar way. By viewing your house as a safe space, you are in effect calling all other areas that are not your house (or other places that you have given this label) unsafe. Like a safety behaviour, you are perpetuating the idea that there is danger. In reality this isn’t the case.
I’m not going to lie, I still use these and usually don’t realise I’m doing it. I go out on adventures and tell myself I can do it because chances are there will be a toilet or quiet pub I can sit in for a bit if it gets too much. I am in effect giving myself a safe space everywhere I go. While it has really helped me get out and go further than I thought was possible, in the grand scheme of things it hasn’t helped at all.
A good example of this is when I was travelling to the hotel in Tokyo. I didn’t think there was a toilet for the 2 hour bus journey. I was convinced as soon as the bus pulled off that I needed the loo and spent the first hour with my eyes closed praying that I would make it to the hotel toilets. Then I saw someone get up and use the hidden toilet at the back of the bus and all of a sudden the urge completely disappeared and I was fine. The knowledge that I had access to the toilet and had an assigned seat next to the window was enough for me to now view the bus as a safe space. Once the perceived danger was removed, I felt completely different.
It’s not good for you and while you might feel like it is helping, I can promise you it isn’t. I can’t say that I have tried to change my thought process, but it is something I am figuring out. It’s the way I have thought for years now, even when I was younger I hated being away from home, even just for dinner at a friends house after school. I guess I was always destined to be a homebody. It’s a long road, but if I don’t change my thinking, becoming housebound again could be on the horizon. Quite frankly, I’m not about that life.
Aim for the whole world be your safe space, you got this!
Losing someone in your life is never an easy thing. Whether it be your mum, your grandparent or your dog, loss affects us all. Despite this, it is still a taboo subject in many cultures and it is common to try to distance yourself from the topic of death.
This blog aims to be a guide for those who have lost someone, those who are supporting them and employers. I am not a health professional and therefore I have linked various websites throughout the post that expand on things I mention.
Before I talk about how to cope with loss, I would first like to define the words surrounding this topic.
Bereavement This term is regularly used interchangeably with the term grief or mourning. However, I will be using it to describe the time after loss in which grief is experienced and mourning rituals take place.
Grief I will be using the term grief to describe the reaction to loss. A mental, emotional, social and physical reaction. This can take shape in a number of ways depending a lot on the way a person passed, your beliefs and age.
Mourning I will be using this term to describe the way in which a person overtly expresses grief and the process/rituals of adapting/coming to terms with this change. This again is displayed in many different ways dependent on culture, religion and relationship with the deceased. For example, funerals are a way of mourning,
Types of grief
There are many different types of grief we can experience, but this blog is going to be long enough already, so I will look at the 4 basic types of grief. Click this link to learn about the different types.
Acute Grief This is experienced directly after loss and can be very intense. For someone experiencing it for the first time, the rollercoaster of emotions can be quite frightening. Be assured that what you are experiencing is completely normal and pretty much expected. Symptoms can include tearfulness, numbness, insomnia, shock, breathlessness, anger and depersonalisation. I have included a link to a fact sheet with a comprehensive list of symptoms here.
From this we will eventually move on to “integrated grief.” This is where we are able to look back at happy memories of the deceased and the grief we experience is not overwhelming. Many people will often have a more positive outlook during this stage. This is all part of the “uncomplicated grief” process, which I will be discussing next. Others may move into complicated grief, which I will speak about later.
Uncomplicated Grief I have also seen this called normal grief, however I won’t be using that term. Grief is a very personal thing that can present in different ways, so for that reason I will refer to it as ‘uncomplicated grief.’
Many people know the 5 stages of grief to be denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance. While these emotions and behaviours can be experienced during the process, this is more of a guide than a rigid structure. Some people may skip backwards and forwards between stages, others may not experience all of these.
There are other models of grief which I have linked here. Grief can last for months or years, some theorise that it is never fully resolved. Birthdays and Christmas’ can be particularly difficult, even years later.
There are physical symptoms such as insomnia, change in appetite, illness and feeling sick. If these symptoms persist and do not fade overtime however, please speak to your GP.
Social symptoms: Withdrawal, again if this persists, please speak with you GP.
Emotional symptoms: shock and numbness are often experienced in the early stages of grief. Other common symptoms include sadness, anger, guilt.
Again I have links here and here for a better insight into the symptoms. It is important to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and there is no wrong way to do it. However, I would argue that if you are turning to excessive alcohol use/drug use/abusive behaviour, I would seek help ASAP.
As mentioned above if symptoms persist that impact your day to day life, please contact your doctor. I will speak more about this in the next section.
Complicated grief Grieving is an important process and working through it in your own time is vital. However, it is also possible to get ‘stuck’ at a certain stage of grief. Someone experiencing complicated grief may experience continuing debilitating symptoms such as intense, persistent pining, isolation, continued guilt and self-blame, depression and an inability to carry out their everyday routine.
The relation to the deceased, other existing mental health problems and the circumstances surrounding their death may contribute to the development of complicated grief. This needs to be addressed as soon as possible as if left, can develop into mental health or even physical issues.
If you feel like you are experiencing complicated or prolonged grieving, please contact your GP to look at your options
Anticipatory Grief While grief usually occurs after the death of a loved one, anticipatory grief is a little different. This type of grief is common amongst families and friends supporting someone with a terminal illness, it can also be experienced by the ill person too. Symptoms experienced can be the same as grief after death, also accompanied by feelings of dread.
Mental and physical exhaustion can also be experienced if you are a primary carer for your loved one. If you are aware that passing is fast approaching, every phone call, every change is very stressful and again can lead to exhaustion.
Grief can also be experienced as a response to decline health, change in cognitive functioning or physical abilities.
I will talk more about how to cope with anticipatory grief in the next section. Please see this and this and this link which goes into more depth.
Coping with loss
The death of a loved one is often the worst thing a person will experience and unfortunately everyone will experience loss in their lives. This next section will look at coping with loss as the bereaved, as a support network and as an employer. I will also add an extra section at the end briefly looking at coping with grief as someone with a terminal illness. Links to organisations that can provide support will be added at the end of this post.
The bereaved As mentioned before, grief takes many forms and can affect you mentally, emotionally, socially and physically, so it is important to keep this in mind when you are working your way through the grief process.
Express yourself: There is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions while you are grieving. If you need a good cry, have a good cry, if you don’t feel the need to cry, don’t feel guilty about it. Everyone is different and there is no shame in expressing how you feel. It is healthy, especially during this time.
Talk to someone: Again there is nothing wrong with needing some extra help while you are grieving. There are counsellors/therapists trained especially for this situation that will listen to you with no judgement. They can be helpful in helping you to process your thoughts and emotions. However, if this is not something you feel comfortable with, talk to a friend, talk to a family member. People will be there to help you.
Take your time: Just because someone else seems to have moved through the initial stages of grief quicker than you, don’t feel like you need to push yourself to do the same. As I have said a million times in this article, grief is extremely personal. If however you do feel like you are unable to process your situation, please talk to someone.
Look after yourself: During this time self-care can be low on your list of priorities, however self-care is very important. Take some time for yourself if you need to, do something you enjoy, go out for a walk. By purely focusing on others or any paperwork and arrangements, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed. You deserve to take some time for you.
Anticipatory Grief As mentioned before, unlike other forms of grieving, anticipatory grief occurs prior to the death of a loved one. Dealing with this type of grief is similar to dealing with the above. However, in addition to the above tips, there are the following things to consider:
Communicate: During this time, speak with your loved one about any unresolved issues, say things that you need to say. “I love you” “We will be okay” “I’m sorry that…” This is a chance for you to say goodbye and for you both to find peace and closure.
Communication is also important for the family. This time can be very stressful and emotions can run high. Keep open lines of communication and ensure that you are supporting each other. It is a very difficult time for all of you.
Talk about it: I tried my best to ignore it and hopefully it would all go away. I often refused to accept what was happening. Talking about it with other people can be comforting and can also help you find acceptance. Ignoring the situation will not make it go away.
Focus on quality of life: You both are aware nothing can be done and the inevitable will happen, but there is nothing to stop you from making the most of your time together. Ensuring that your loved one is comfortable, has everything they want and has some valuable time with you can mean a lot. I remember coming home from work and sitting with mum, working our way through Gavin and Stacey and having a laugh. I just wish we’d had more time.
Supporting the bereaved It can be difficult to comfort someone who has experienced loss, especially if this is not something you have experienced yourself. People tend to be worried about saying the same thing or their mind will just go blank. It’s a normal response, death isn’t a part of our everyday life and the person you know will be acting differently to what you are used to. However, being there for someone is easier than you think.
Let them know you are there: Reach out to the bereaved and let them know that you are there with a cup of tea and a chat if they need it. Don’t suggest public places as it can really discourage someone from opening up. Instead make sure you meet in a safe environment where they feel like they can talk and express themselves. Sometimes the person may not want to meet up and may need time for themselves, so don’t feel offended if they decline their offer. Just knowing that you are there can be a huge comfort.
Listen: For most of the time, people don’t know what to say, but in reality nothing you can say is going to magically make them better. Just ask how they are doing, if there is anything you can do for them and just listen to what they have to say. Refrain from comparing their situation to something you have gone through yourself. It is important not to detract from their own feelings and situation. Let them express themselves, that is the important thing.
Be open and accepting of emotion: Be aware that their mood may swing from sadness, to appearing okay, to anger. This is natural. Don’t assume how they are feeling, for example “you must feel really sad”, if someone is having a more positive day, they may feel guilty that they aren’t feeling sad.
Look after yourself: I mentioned this in my ways to help someone with a mental illness post. Looking after yourself is very important too. Just because you are not acquainted with the person that has passed, does not mean that the reactions of your loved one and the situation itself will not affect you. Make sure you take time for yourself and address any feelings you may have.
Do something together: Maybe not in the first week or so, but maybe ask them out for a walk or get together for a film night. Getting them out of the house and doing something can make them feel like they have a support network and a change in environment can work wonders.
Employers It can be difficult to know how to broach the subject of bereavement, even with policies in place. How much time do they need? When should I contact them about return to work? How do I manage their return to work?
The Law The law entitles employees to take time off for emergencies, such as bereavement. During this time, there is no obligation to pay your employee, however as someone who has experienced bereavement, the last thing a person needs after they have lost someone, is added worry of bills if they don’t go to work. This might encourage someone to return before they are ready and that is not beneficial for them or you. So that’s something to consider.
My place of work were incredibly kind and understanding, I was allowed to work from home in what turned out to be mum’s final days, they offered my paid leave, sent me flowers and checked in with me. They contacted me about returning to work after a couple of weeks and were very understanding throughout the whole process.
Returning to work Get in touch with your employee and offer your condolences, this lets them know you are thinking about them and creates a situation in which your employee feels that they are able to discuss this with you.
It is important that while you should not contact them regarding this in the first week or so, that you open a discussion about when they anticipate returning to work. Listen to them and act appropriately. Be mindful of the employees religion and customs as this may take place over a number of days.
Once they return to work, set up a meeting to gage how they are feeling and let them know that if they need any adjustments to ease them back into work, that these are arranged. It may be working from home, it may be a reduction in workload or it could be where they are placed on a shop floor. You must remember that even though your employee has returned to work, cognitively, physically and emotionally, they are still recovering and may not be at peak performance. Regular catch ups are very useful to see how your employee is coping and whether normal work roles can be reintroduced.
Further information regarding this can be found in this comprehensive guide (see link).
Following policy is important, but please keep in mind that you are dealing with a person, not just a member of the workforce.
Coping with terminal illness This blog has spoken about relatives, colleagues and friends, however it is also important to recognise that those with terminal illness’ also experience grief. If you find yourself in this situation, it can be frightening and isolating.
There are many steps you can take to easy the anxiety:
Talk to someone: Whether it be friends and family, a professional or with others experiencing the same thing. Talking about how you feel and expressing yourself can be a great way to get things off your chest and out into the open.
Make your arrangements: You may have many questions such as “what will happen to my body?” “How will my family cope?” By making arrangements and sorting out your affairs can put your mind at rest as you won’t be left with unanswered questions.
Take it one step at a time: The news that you have a terminal illness can put you in a state of shock, numbness or feel completely overwhelmed. Write down your worries, things you’d like to do and things you want to get sorted. Don’t rush into everything all at once and cause yourself more stress. Take things one step at a time and ask for help if you need it.
Let people know how you feel: Tell people you love them, that you’re proud of them. Speak with people and work out your differences, I spoke a little bit about this further up.
Organisations and links
I have put a list of links down below as well as scattering them throughout the article. Please take your time to read through them and seek help if you need it
So I know I have spoken a lot about mental health (that is the theme of the blog after all). I’d like to think that there’s more to me than just a disorder. So I thought I’d dedicate this post to myself and give you all some facts about me that you never asked for. Enjoy!
1. Were you named after anyone? My parents named me after someones dog…thanksguys
2. 3 things that make you happy? Family, goats and horror films
3. Do you have kids? Nope, but the more time Ispend with my niece, the broodier I get.
4. Choose a superpower Teleportation for sure! Want to visit a country? Boop. Woke up late for work? Boop. Really fancy Mexican food but you live in the middle of nowhere? Boop.
5. Tea or coffee? A nice decaf tea, milk, no sugar please 😁
6. How tall are you? A boring 5’5, average (I think)
7. Would you bungee jump? You could not pay me enough!
8. Favourite film? Genuinelycouldn’t pick one, so havemytop 3: REC, Lost in Translation and The Room
9. What is the first thing you notice about people? Probably what they are wearing
10. Favourite game? Silent Hill 2 (I.D.S.T <3)
11. What is the least favourite thing about yourself? My nose! It is the size of a small country!
12. Who do you miss the most? Obvious answer here, my mum. I miss her everyday
13. What is your favourite song at the moment? Joji – Slow Dancing in the Dark I’m O B S E S S E D
14. What did you want to be when you grew up? FBI agent (thank you x files) or a storm chaser. Would still jump at the chance to do either!
15. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? White for sure! I’msuper pale and no one really wants me there.
16. Favourite smells? Freshly baked bread, citrus candles and petrol!
17. Mountain hideaway or beach house? Definitely the beach, I love being bythe sea
18. Favourite sport to watch? Rugby Union! Although figure skating looks pretty darn cool
19. Hobbies? Gaming, painting, watching scary films, going on adventures and writing for you lovely people.
20. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I have a coupleofplaces I want to visit: Israel, Tanzania, Korea, Singapore, Norway and Canada
21. Favourite Food? Either donuts (fried with sugar), Japanese french toast, grapes or pato taquito 🤤
22. Summer or Winter? Winter, no contest! I have terrible hayfever
23. Hugs or kisses? Not a huge fan of either, but if I had to pick, hugs
24. Recommend a book Autobiography: Girl with 7 names by Lee Hyeon-seo Creepy: Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk Mystery: No Time for Goodbyes by Linwood Barclay Hopefully one of those will take your fancy
25. Any tattoos? No, but I’ve had a design for about 9 years whichI’m too scared to get done
26. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? Indoor pool and sauna 100%
27. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Chernobyl, it was equal parts amazing and sad
28. What scares you the most? Silverfish, they’resuper fast, have too many legs and quite frankly are devil spawn
29. What do you think is the most important ingredient for a successful relationship? Honesty
30. What do you hope to achieve by the end of the year? Be able to do a push-up and get back to earning money and being a financially, emotionally stable dudette.
Bonus! My favourite colour is orange. So now you know.
I feel like I’ve channeled my 2008 Myspace self, posting on the message board. Feel free to use this and let people know you are more than just your mental health.
I’m sure a lot of people reading this blog have at some point in their life been affected by mental illness. Whether that be yourself or someone you know.
Sometimes it can feel like you don’t know what to say, how to help or what to do. I know that even when I approach someone else going through the same thing, I can find it difficult to know what to say.
That said, you don’t have to be a therapist or a master of advice to help.
I have compiled a list of 5 things I think could help anyone supporting someone having a rough time or opening up to you about their mental illness.
Obviously this is not an exhaustive list and if people are interested I may look at making a guide for email subscribers, let me know!
1. Hold them accountable for their behaviour
Now I’m not saying call them out when they are trying to cope with their situation in a positive way. Not at all. But… If you are helping someone it is important to set boundaries and let them know what behaviours are unacceptable or dangerous. For example, abuse behaviour or language targeted at you should not be tolerated. Having a mental illness does not give you a free pass to treat people poorly. Ensuring that they are accountable for their behaviour protects the well being of both of you.
2. Don’t judge
Now this may sound contradictory to what I have just said. However, there is a big difference between judging someone and holding them accountable for their actions/words. If your friend, family member, colleague approached you and confides in you about an issue you they having, the last thing they need is “don’t be silly” or “it’s just a crowd of people.” Understand what they are saying and keep an open-mind.
3. Research
There’s never any harm in doing a bit of research. Mental health issues are often more complex than what the media shows e.g. depression is not sadness and Agoraphobia is not being scared of open spaces. A bit of research can help both of you create a more supportive and trusting relationship. A little understanding goes a long way.
4.Listen
This ties in with what I have said before. If someone opens up to you, it doesn’t matter if you have experienced something similar, have a degree in psychology or have your own thoughts about the topic. Stop. There’s nothing worse than trying to explain what you are going through to have someone else interject with “faux professional advice” or brushing off what you are saying. Just listen. Hear what they have to say, ask any questions you have, just give them space to talk. Everyone’s experience is different and while advice is fine, wait for them to ask.
5. Take care of yourself
This to me is the most important thing. Helping someone is not easy, it can be difficult and stressful. Make sure you look after yourself mentally and physically and give yourself space if you need to. Remember, you can’t help someone if you aren’t looking after yourself.
Before I went on holiday, I ate relatively clean and exercised everyday for an hour. I lost around 7lb and was motivated by the desire to look good in my pictures. My skin routine was consistent and I was moisturised within an inch of my life.
After I came back, the motivation was gone. Slowly working my way through more cake than I care to mention and I’m sure at this point my blood is more Cola than plasma.
Focusing on my health and feeling like I looked good really made me feel alive. I had more energy, more enthusiasm, more confidence and was a lot more motivated.
It’s been about a month and a half since I got home and I just feel in a constant state of what can only be described as “meh”.
I’m losing concentration (it took 10 hours to write my last blog post!) I feel tired all the time and I can’t be arsed to do anything. It’s a miracle I’ve kept up with posting.
While I support the use of medication for depression and anxiety if needed, I also think self-care is a very important factor that helps keep us balanced.
I am on antidepressants and while I wouldn’t say I feel depressed, I do feel a little more flat and tired than before I went away.
Today, I’m going to look at self-care and the secret to feeling good.
What is self-care?
“Self-care is something we do to look after ourselves emotionally, mentally and physically.”
It doesn’t have to be a huge lifestyle overhaul. A small change can go a long way.
Examples
Why do we need self-care?
Self-care is an important part of our lives, that can easily be forgotten. Whether battling a mental issue, spending long hours at work or just not feeling like you have enough time, it is sometimes put to the back of your mind.
Keeping active and doing things you enjoy will release endorphins and activate the reward system in your brain.
Healthy eating, drinking plenty of water and taking your medication helps your body to function properly, giving you energy.
Setting these little goals for yourself and achieving them can give you a huge sense of accomplishment and that can really help in taking bigger steps towards improving your mental health in the future.
I decided to start running before I went away and getting out and doing it, even if I didn’t feel like it showed me that I can motivate myself and push forward. I think it has helped me with persevering with these bigger goals of going out to new places and meeting new people.
Now I’m not saying that it will completely change your life, but it will give you the self-esteem and the knowledge that you can do what you set out to achieve.
In conclusion
Whether it be taking the stairs instead of taking the lift, letting your doctor know that you aren’t doing so well or getting outside in the sun to do some painting. Do something to make you feel good.
A few weeks ago, I was writing a post about how to cope with important plans at short notice and as I was doing a bit of research I found this (see link).
For those who haven’t had time to read the journal, basically people with anxiety and agoraphobia tend to exhibit “safety behaviours.” These are things we do to feel safer, but in the grand scheme of things they are a major cause of persisting anxiety.
When I did some more research, I found a lot of the things I did and still do are considered to be in this category. For a while I felt a bit like I had failed and not really made any progress. I felt like I had come so far, only to find that I was superficially coping.
So I had a strop and deleted my post.
After my strop I took a step back and gave it some thought. It’s not the end of the world. I managed to travel across the world, get on public transport, go out for meals with small groups of people and spend a day away from home without being sick. So they’re useful…right?
Below is a list of my safety behaviours and the thought process behind each one. I will order them from most used to least used.
(If you are a mobile user, I suggest using landscape view)
It can be easy for an outsider to look at these and see how irrational they are and for the most part I can see it too. Although during editing, I was reading through and still rationalising them to myself. It is how I have lived my life for the past few years, it’s a difficult thought process to break.
Misattribution Theory suggests that by carrying out these behaviours, we are reinforcing the idea that there is a threat and our actions or thoughts are what keeps us safe, when in reality we are safe and what we do to try and protect ourselves change nothing.
We are meant to be trying to control our anxiety, not limiting our exposure to it.
So to answer my earlier question, no. They are not useful.
Start by tackling smaller or lesser used behaviours, ticking them off your list one at a time. Then work your way up to your most used behaviours. While it may seem challenging at first, stick with it. You’ll soon realise that your bottle of water and your clothing don’t really protect you from anything . Just take it one step at a time, keep a diary of your successes and work hard. You’ll get there.
I have some more tips for tackling uncertainty and “what ifs” in an older post.
I’m trying my best to change my behaviours, some I’m actively working on and others…well I’m not quite ready to say goodbye yet.
I am by no means an expert on this subject. My first (almost) airport experience was in December last year; I was having a panic attack outside. It all ended with me going home and missing out on the Christmas markets of Berlin. My fellow agoraphobics will know the stress of feeling like you can’t escape. For me, that’s what going past security signifies for me.
My last airport experience was 5 months later in May. I was returning from an amazing time in Tokyo. A 29 hour, action-packed travel experience.
I’m not going to lie and say it was an easy 5 months prior to getting on the plane, nor was the experience of getting to Japan anything resembling the pictures on the airport website. I would however like to share what I have learnt and how I managed to make my holiday and the journey back something to be proud of.
For those taking your first steps into the world as an agoraphobic such as myself, or as an anxious traveller in general, it will take some hard work, time and preparation, but I promise you it will be worth it.
Before you book…
Tackling anxiety begins before you book the holiday. I know it seems a bit excessive, but trust me on this one.
A basic tip is to choose the month you travel carefully. As someone with no children, I have the luxury of being able to travel whatever time of year suits me, however I know this is not the case for others. July and August (summer holidays in the UK) are some of the busiest times for UK airports with everyone and their nan escaping the English “summertime” for somewhere that reaches above 12c. Half-terms and bank holidays are also subject to crowds. If you are in this situation, never fear, there are plenty of tips here for you.
For those with a bit of flexibility, I would recommend May as the Easter holidays are over and with May Day out of the way, there are 3 weeks in which to get a holiday in. This is what I did, flying out on 13th May. However January, March and September are also months to consider and as they are classed as ‘off-peak’ times, prices are usually cheaper. Win-win!
A useful feature Google has implemented is the ‘popular times’ section, which you will find when you search for your location. There will be a chart showing how busy it will be during certain times and certain days. Honestly, this feature has been a god send for me. I can go out and explore new places or eat at new restaurants without turning into a puddle of stress beforehand.
Pre-airport (>1 month to go)…
Okay great! You’ve booked your holiday and you didn’t die, but your work is not complete.
Holiday shopping, the time I go and buy new clothes a dress size smaller and pray to the heavens that somehow my unchanged diet and exercise will culminate in a flatter stomach. Not this time though. Before flying I decided to buy clothes I would feel comfortable in all day, no jeans, no tight dresses. Having IBS, I tend to bloat quite considerably after eating a meal. I highly suggest UNIQLO for some high quality, decently priced clothes.
So, you are happy with the immense comfort you are going to be in throughout your holiday (while still looking cute, obviously). Now it’s time to get down to business.
Familiarisation with the airport is an important step for anyone anxious about travelling, especially for the first time. My mistake on my failed first attempt is that I had not even stepped foot inside an airport, never-mind familiarised myself with one. There are a few ways you can do this, however a combination can be most effective.
Physical:
Visiting the airport a couple of times before your flight is very useful. Try to pick a quiet day for your first time and just wander through at your own pace. It may be good to try to visit when it’s a little busier, then you can get a feel for what you may be faced with on the day. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, sit and have some food. Make sure you take note of where your check-in desk will be, where the special assistance counter is and where security is. Don’t feel you have to go on your own, it may be useful to take a person you are travelling with.
Try before you fly: I will be making a post of a lot of try before you fly opportunities in UK airports at a later date, however in the mean time I will briefly give you a run down. Many airports offer this throughout the UK to help the thousands of people who are anxious travellers or are travelling for the first time. East Midlands airport, for example, offer a free service which allows a tour of the airport (including through security) and the staff are incredible! You will be able to go through each step of the airport process in the company of fully trained staff, asking any questions you have. Honestly, it’s a huge confidence boost and I would recommend it to anyone.
Fear of flying courses are a good way to get used to the layout of a plane and the feeling of taking off an landing if it’s your first time. I personally haven’t done one of these as the flying part was not a source of anxiety. Most airports offer this service and there are a number of airlines with information about courses they offer. Please note that these are not free and prices may vary. Do some research and find out which course sounds the best for you.
Digital:
Looking through the airport maps and layouts gave me a good idea of what I was going to be faced with after security at Birmingham airport. What shops there were, where the lounge was and most importantly, where could I purchase snacks! If you are nervous, take the maps with you on the day and use them for reference, however I found that once I was there, everything is so clearly signed, I didn’t need them.
YouTube videos are also a good way to get a feel for the airport, especially if you are unable to travel to there before hand. Look at the most recent videos of the airport to see how busy it is and how everything looks. I found this to be relaxing on many of my sleepless nights on the run up to the day.
Special assistance can cover a lot of things. While it can mean providing wheelchairs, it can also be used by people who have hidden disabilities. In Birmingham Airport for example they can escort you through certain areas of the airport and you can even bypass some areas (e.g duty free) altogether if you, or the person you are travelling with get over-stimulated. There are also access to special use toilets which remind people that not all disabilities are visible, which I found comforting. Make sure you book this in advance (at least 48 hours), but I would recommend booking earlier as the airline I flew with advised that they did not provide this service, so I had to speak with airports individually. This isn’t the same with all airlines and some even have a section on the website where you can fill in a form indicating what service you need. You can find more information on the CAA website, or your airline/airport website. If you have any questions, get in touch with them directly, in my experience they will go above and beyond to help.
Checking medication is important if you are travelling somewhere like Dubai. Their medication list can seem a little confusing, however if in doubt, go to the UAE Health and Pevention website and submit an application so your medication is approved prior to your arrival. You will need a signed letter from your doctor confirming you’re not dodgy. However, after all the stress and anxiety the whole situation caused, they didn’t even question anything. So really, unless you are hiding narcotics up your bum, I wouldn’t worry.
Pre-airport (1/2 weeks before)
Packing: to ensure a stress free experience, write a list of outfits and essentials, ticking things off as you pack them. I would also invest in packing cubes to maximise the space in your case and make it easy to find everything.
When packing your hand luggage, make sure you put all your toiletries in a clear plastic seal-able bag and ensure that everything you take complies with airport policy. Leave this in an easily accessible place as you will need to take it out at security. Put your medication in your hand luggage with your prescription and doctors note (if required), again if they question it, all documentation is together and limits the stress. Put your boarding pass, passport and ticket at the front of your bag for easy access, you’ll need these throughout the airport during departure and arrival.
Green lanyard: another useful tip for those with hidden disabilities is the green lanyard. These are available in all UK airports for free. Some places will post them to you, however if you go to the special assistance counter on the day of travel, they will be able to give you one no problem. The lanyard is there to discreetly signal to staff that you have a hidden disability, this can be a comfort to those worried about security. When it is busy, you may be asked if you would like to use express lanes, however this is at the discretion of the staff. Please note, the lanyard does not automatically give you extra support, staff will not usually provide assistance, unless asked.
Get Apps
It’s true when they say that there’s an app for everything. I will be writing about my most used apps for mental health in a couple of weeks, but for now, I’ll give you a short rundown of some apps you might find useful for the airport.
Airline app: this is a must for me, I was able to check in, download an e-boarding pass; look at the food available on my flights; choose my seat and even make a playlist of films and TV shows I was going to watch during my flight. It’s just an easy way to have all the information at your fingertips.
Companion: this is basically pocket CBT. You are able to use it for free, or pay a monthly subscription, which really isn’t expensive, to access all of the features. You can document thoughts, learn about anxiety, practice relaxation and much more. Definitely worth checking out.
Podbean: podcasts seem to be the new ‘in’ thing. With Podbean, you are able to download podcasts to listen to offline, so anywhere, anytime, pop your headphones in and relax. My current faves are the Abroad in Japan podcasts and Lets read, a collection of creepy stories.
Member perks: if you are looking for a good deal or love freebies (let’s be honest, who doesn’t?) it may be worth signing up to be a member of the airline or hotel you will be using. I decided to sign up to become a member of my airline and was able to access WiFi for the whole 11 hour flight, instead of the 2 hours as is standard. It took 30 seconds to do and it was free! It may also give you discounted lounge access (depending on who you fly with).
Check in online: especially if you think it is going to be busy, checking in online is quick and stress free. Once you get to the airport, there may be a different queue for you to just drop your bag off. It’s a great way to speed up the airport process and limit the time you will be queuing. You may be able to pick your seat earlier dependent on the class and airline you are travelling with.
Entertainment: this is a must, especially if you have a long wait. If you have children, look to see whether there is a play area where they can let off some steam before getting on the flight. A deck of cards, a colouring book, something to keep you mentally stimulated can make it feel less like you are waiting to die. A good podcast and a wander round the shops is my preference.
The night before…
The first time I attempted to fly, it was an early morning flight and I hadn’t got a great nights sleep. When I’m tired, I don’t cope well with any amount of stress. Safe to say, I wasn’t on the plane when it took off.
My second, successful attempt, I took some sleep medication and got an early night. The next morning, while it wasn’t all sunshine and daisies, I was more willing to push myself and manage my anxiety.
But what about before that?
The sun is setting and the reality of the situation hits you like…well, a plane.
My evening consisted of hitting the gym, then immediately going home and eating a takeaway. Put a face mask on, horror film on the big telly. Sorted. I also went through the entire process with my partner, from waking up to getting on the plane. It really helped to clear my mind of any worries and doubts floating around in my head.
If you have a distance to travel the next day, maybe consider staying at an airport hotel, so the next day you can wake up and walk across the road. Personally I find a bit of a drive calms me down, but everyone is different.
Finally, if you are travelling for the first time, or with new people, let them know what you need from them. My fellow travel companions got a firm, no nonsense “don’t talk to me”. It’s a miracle that they still put up with me. If you need to be left alone or whether you need little whispers of encouragement, let them know, they will understand.
But remember a good nights sleep is really important.
T-day…
So the day has arrived. All your months of preparation are now being put into practice. You’ve been to the airport before. You’ve watched the YouTube videos. Everything is organised. You know what to do and where you are going. You. Got. This.
Get there in plenty of time; I got there maybe 3 hours before, dropped my bag off and headed for the special assistance counter to get my lanyard. I’m not going to lie, it was still tough and a tear or ten was definitely shed, but instead of thinking “I can’t do this, I need to leave NOW!” I was thinking “I am going at my own pace, I will get there.” I sat at a quiet restaurant opposite security and waited for it to be quiet. I gave myself plenty of time so I never felt rushed and could stop and breathe without fear of missing my flight.
Express security: if it looks busy or you feel like you need to get it over with, think about maybe purchasing express security if offered. However if they see your green lanyard, they may invite you to go through free of charge. Speak with the staff member at the security desk and look at your options.
Lounge access: I was lucky enough to have lounge access for my flight and I couldn’t recommend it enough. It is away from all the hustle and bustle of the airport and depending on which lounge you choose, there are showers, food, drinks and toilets available to you. It gives you a chance to regroup in a quiet, relaxed environment before you get on the flight and continue your journey. Prices vary and as mentioned before, it is worth looking at any membership benefits that may give you discounts.
Wear comfy and easy clothes. What I mean by this is don’t wear your fancy chain trousers or your suit of armour. Anything metal such as belts, jewellery, jackets and sometimes shoes have to be removed before walking through the metal detector. On the other side you will be subject to a quick pat down, so the more simple and light your clothing, the quicker it will be over and done with. If you are not comfortable with doing this in the open, there are sectioned off areas where this can take place. These areas are also a good place to get yourself together before continuing on.
Make sure your phone is fully charged. At some airports they may ask you to show that your phone turns on before they allow you to take it on the flight. To prevent any doubt, make sure your phone is fully charged before you enter the airport. This way you can also make sure you have enough battery to play games, listen to podcasts and text before you get on the plane.
What not to do:
Alcohol: It may be tempting to have a little liquid courage before getting on the plane and one won’t hurt. Just remember if you have one too many, the staff will probably tell you that you aren’t able to fly.
Caffeine: For obvious reasons.
Suffer in silence: If you are having a really difficult time, speak to a staff member. They will be able to point you in the direction of a quiet area or maybe even have quiet rooms available to you.
So that’s it. That’s the post.
Feel free to contact me with any questions and I will help as much as I can.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. If you feel like you may have depression or you would like more information about medication or alternatives, please speak with your doctor.
It’s 2019. Science is the frontier of progress. Medical research has produced millions of peer-reviewed papers. Mental health is a hot topic and is gaining a lot of merit and understanding.
Somewhere in the UK a person hops on twitter and despite all of the above, posts this:
Oh dear.
I have seen an increasing amount of people online demonise medication, whether it be antidepressants or vaccinations and honestly, it angers me.
This blog will focus solely on antidepressants.
As someone that has been on Sertraline for almost 5 years, I can say that they changed my life. I went from lying in bed all day, eating maybe 300 calories and sleeping for 16+ hours, to getting out and finding joy in life again. Hopefully, all being well, I’ll be looking to start the process of coming off them in the next few months.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding against taking antidepressants. That is your choice and I wholeheartedly respect it. I am also an advocate of a healthy diet and exercise as a way to tackle depression.
Antidepressants don’t work for everyone and other people do not react well to certain types. It is also important to note that they are not a perfect wonder drug and it’s important to speak with your doctor about the pros and cons and any concerns before taking the next step.
I am not however, an advocate of posts giving out misinformation and scaring people away who are struggling and looking for help. I’m also not an advocate of criticising the choices people make to tackle their issues and improve their well-being.
I’d like to address some popular beliefs about antidepressants
Taking medication is a sign of weakness
As the saying goes “you wouldn’t be called weak for having a cast fitted for a broken arm,” so why is what is essentially a cast for your mind any different? If you feel like you are unable to cope and are looking for a solution, there is no shame in contacting your doctor to look at your options. It is a positive step and can take a lot of courage to do (I know it did for me). Medication is a way of taking good care of yourself. It is thought around 70.9 million people in 2018 used anti depressants for anxiety and depression in the UK. You are definitely not alone.
Antidepressants will make you suicidal
I’m not going to lie, before I started on Sertraline, my doctor did warn me that for the first month, I may feel worse before I feel better. She also said that if I did start to feel suicidal or have suicidal thoughts to get in touch immediately. Alternatively if you are unable to get in with your GP straight away and ending your life is a serious consideration for you, visit your local hospital or contact the emergency services. During your first month or two, your GP will monitor you closely to see how you are doing. However other research suggests that the risk of suicide is no higher than a placebo.
Antidepressants are a life long addiction
Different people will take antidepressants for a different amount of time, the aim is to make you feel balanced and to get your depression under control. At this point you and your doctor will discuss next steps and may looking at stopping in a controlled way. Some people do take antidepressants for a long-period of time, others don’t. It all depends on your situation. Your body will exhibit mild withdrawal symptoms, known as Discontinuation Syndrome during the process of coming off of your medication (or more severe symptoms of you stop suddenly, which is strongly discouraged)
Antidepressants are a ‘happy pill’
It’s important to be aware that antidepressants aren’t designed to make you feel happy. They are there to make you feel balanced. They will lessen you symptoms of depression. For example, they can give you more energy, motivation and can make you feel less flat.
Antidepressants are the solutions to all your problems
As said before, medication can improve your situation, but it not a quick fix. Treatment works best as a mixture of medication and therapy. On top of this, self-care is very important. A healthy diet, exercise, a healthy amount of sleep and taking time to do things you enjoy can help you feel balanced.
The side effects are bad
The initial couple of months while your body is adjusting, you may have some symptoms such as nausea, drowsiness, diarrhea/constipation, dizziness among others. These symptoms usually go away as the weeks progress. If however these persist, you have symptoms such as suicidal ideation/intent or you continue to feel worse, get in touch with you GP and they will look to try you on a different medication. There are several different options for you, so don’t be disheartened if the first drug you try doesn’t work.
If I don’t start feeling better after the first couple of weeks, they aren’t working
In the first month it can be difficult to tell whether your medication is working. At this point your body is still getting used to the changes so it’s very important that you don’t stop taking them and you continue to take them consistently. To get from severe depression to where I am now, I would say it took about 10 months and some therapy. If however after a month or so you don’t feel like it is doing anything at all, speak with your GP and look at your options.
Everyone has their own battle to fight and should be able to do so without judgement. Whether you rely on medication or a more natural approach, we are in this together. Lets support each other.
It’s been 5 years now since my panic attack And while I have definitely improved over the years, I am still definitely not your average girl.
I have been wondering quite a lot recently whether if I continue to step out of my comfort zone, this will all go away.
I can move around my hometown quite easily, although if I need to travel any further or I have to be somewhere, I still get very anxious before leaving the house.
I’m still using unhelpful coping behaviours (wearing loose clothes, carrying water, excessive planning) which I am working on.
Eating out at restaurants is still impossible unless it’s somewhere I’m very familiar with and it’s within a small group.
Socialising is completely out of the window, although I am happy being on my own. I don’t think it’s healthy though.
Thinking about the future, will I have enough time to build a career and travel the world before my baby clock runs out? Or will this be a struggle for years to come?
Who knows?
I think one day I will be able to go and eat food in a large group wearing jeans (I know, I have crazy high aspirations), but will I ever be truly comfortable?
I think one day I will be able to have my dream career, but will I be able to cope with the stress long-term?
I think one day I will look back at this post and smile because everything will be alright
Life With A 