Tag: Agoraphobia

“What if?” & Why It’s Holding You Back

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“What ifs” are not in themselves an issue, e.g. “what if the traffic is bad?” As a rationale to leave earlier, ensuring that you arrive on time. The problem comes when the statement starts negatively impacting your daily functioning. E.g. “what if the traffic is bad?” As an excuse to stay at home in case you have a panic attack and can’t easily get to a ‘safe place.’

This one little phrase and how you approach it can be make or break.

Before I went to therapy, I hadn’t really given much attention to my specific thoughts, only “oh my god I need to leave now!” However after sitting down with my therapist, she made me realise that the anticipation of leaving the house culminated in a lot of “what if?”

Here are some I still battle with:

  • “What if I get to the restaurant and it’s busy and I need to leave? What will people think?”
  • “What if I’m with people that don’t understand and I start panicking?”
  • “What if I can’t go back to work without panicking and end up in the same state as last time?”
  • “What if people just think I’m an inconvenience?”
  • “What if I never amount to anything and have wasted my life?”
  • “What if I eat and bloat and then my clothes get too tight and I feel sick?”
  • “What if I get too far away from my ‘base’ and can’t get back easily?”

I know some of these seem silly to most people, I know it’s silly. But in my mind, there is nothing worse than feeling like I have to be in a certain place where I can’t just leave without a) having to explain myself; b) causing a scene or c) ruining the event.
It rules my life and makes me miss out on social events and great opportunities.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a major player when it comes to anxiety, especially Agoraphobia. Using ‘what if’ and worrying can make it feel like you are taking back control, preparing for the unknown, when in reality you are solidifying your negative beliefs, affirming your behaviour and continuing the cycle of anxiety.

It can manifest in over-preparing, trying to find solutions to things that are out of your control and avoidance.

It is important to stop and evaluate. Does worrying make anything more certain? For example, does worrying about an exam help you to pass?

Learning to accept uncertainty is an important step.

Little steps such as looking at solutions to problems who’s outcome you can impact as opposed to problems you cannot change can be a reassurance.

Another way could be to keep a diary of facing uncertainties. In which you note:

Diary SectionExample
The SituationThe Train
Feared OutcomeBusy train and panic attack
Actual OutcomeIt was busy, didn’t have panic attack
How You CopedPracticed breathing, rationalised my thoughts


Over time, you will see that you are able to manage uncertain situations and they are not as terrifying as they first seem.

A little CBT and challenging your beliefs can go a long way.

For me this is an ongoing process and no matter how well I do, my initial reaction to leaving the house and the moment before I step out the door is “arghhhh, what if..?”


I’m sure with time I’ll get there and so will you.

I’m Travelling 19 Hours On Public Transport To The Busiest Place On Earth…Help!

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It’s perfectly reasonable for an agoraphobic who has never left England to travel to the other side of the world, to a place with a completely different language, culture and some insanely busy streets….right?

So last year when I was still working, my sister, dad and I booked a once in a lifetime trip to Tokyo as I kind of retreat after the loss of mum. I was apprehensive, but hey, I was working 3 jobs and was emotionally stable, it’d be fine.

In the 10 months that followed, I had quit all of my jobs and had a bit of a mental breakdown.

I’ve been trying really hard to get myself back on track to make sure that I can actually get on the plane, unlike my recent failed Berlin attempt.

So, what am I doing about it?

Plan Plan Plan!
If I was on Mastermind, this journey would be my specialist subject.
I know everything. From the layout of the airports to every way to get to the hotel once we’ve arrived.
I would like to note that this is really not a healthy level of planning and I know that, but it’s my first trip, cut me a bit of slack!

Make it easier
Special assistance is getting sorted; my green lanyard is sorted out and ready for collection (I will expand on this in a later blog) and I’ve visited the airport a couple of times.

Don’t kid yourself
It’s going to be stressful; it is going to be busy and there is every chance that I will have a panic attack. It’s just a part of the journey I will have to accept. The first step is always the hardest.

Prepare
Packing lists are my best friend, use them wisely. Download podcasts for the airport and flight. Make sure I have money for snacks (very important!) Pleeaaaseee don’t forget medication!

Learn important phrases
Familiarise myself with useful phrases such as:
“Where is the convenience store?” and “For the love of God, somebody please help me”

Get excited
Excitement and anxiousness produce the same physical response in many respects, it’s the way we approach them that determines everything.
I’m going on holiday, I’m going to see some amazing things and maybe re-enact Lost in Translation.

This is a huge step and one I feel ready to take.

I can do this.

Every Superhero Has A Backstory…

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I believe my agoraphobia stemmed from the depression and stress of my mum being diagnosed with multiple myeloma a month after I had moved out for the first time for university.

I remember after I graduated and I moved home, I would frequently travel from Nottingham to Birmingham to visit my boyfriend.

By this point it had been 4 years, I had been struggling with my mental health with no medication and no professional help. My brain decided that it had had enough.

17th April 2015, my sister’s birthday. I was supposed to be travelling home from Birmingham for a family meal. The train was booked, my bags were packed.

I couldn’t do it.

My body froze, my mind fogged and I had a huge panic attack. I messaged my sister and told her that I was sick.

The next week was filled with doctors visits for medication to help me get home (which didn’t help) and a long, terrifying message to my parents explaining the truth about what had happened.

A couple of days later and my parents came to collect me.

I. Was. A. Mess.

I got home and became housebound. The town I had known for over 20 years became a place of anxiety and fear.

With a bit of coaxing, I went to the GP who prescribed me some anti-depressants and referred me to a high-intensity therapist for CBT.

With a lot of hard work and support, I was getting there. I was happily working a full time and part time job, as well as volunteering for a youth charity once a week. The anxious feeling was still there, but manageable and I started to venture out more and more.

In October 2017 after a 6 year battle with cancer, my mum passed away and for a month I went and ate at restaurants, navigated through busy places and crowded rooms, completely numb.

A couple of months later, I quit one job and spent the rest of my time crying and being sick at my full-time, high pressure job. Management and colleagues were so understanding, but ultimately I was in no place to continue. It was sad, but it was the best decision I’ve made.

It’s been 11 months living off of dwindling savings and fearing that I will be unable to hold down a job in case I am stuck in the same unmanageable situation. I slowly regressed back into being a homebody, cutting everyone out. I have worked through my grief and am trying hard everyday to take my life back.

Present day, I am pushing myself as much as I can and hope to document my successes and blips. It would be nice to have you along for the journey.

Wish me luck!