This is something I have found particularly difficult to talk about, but I threw a strop yesterday, so here we are.

Today I will be talking about my obsessive and intrusive thoughts surrounding contamination, mainly around mould, insects and dirt. Despite dealing with this for over 20 years, I still find it difficult to describe it in an all-encompassing way.

Chances are, unless you are immediate family, you would never have known or noticed anything strange about my behaviour (other than general awkwardness). With it being part of daily life, I have picked up some little tricks to appear “normal”.

I remember as far back as primary school not wanting to share my crisps on the playground or not wanting anyone to touch my food. I wouldn’t share with members of my family and if they even grazed it, it was theirs. Since then it has kind of evolved.

There were times at uni when I wouldn’t eat or even go into the kitchen because we had an infestation of silverfish. Takeaway was my best friend and I had an abundance of disposable cutlery. Luckily that was only a year. For the other two years I kept my cutlery and dishes in my room, because as lovely and clean as my housemates were, I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else using my stuff.

I can’t eat outside in spring/summer because there are so many flies around. There has been many a BBQ where I wave at people through the window as I eat my burger inside. I am forever mystified at people who have dinner outside and peaceful picnics are fictional as far as I’m concerned.

Cleaning without thick gloves is a definite no, otherwise my hands feel dirty for days, with no amount of scrubbing and washing will take the feeling away (also rubber gloves on fabric surfaces removes pet hair so easily…you’re welcome). I can’t prepare or eat food with my hands during this time, but hey, eating a scone with a knife and fork isn’t all that bad. As long as it is my own personal knife and fork of course.

There are a lot of nuances that quite honestly I don’t understand. I know it’s not rational, I don’t try to rationalise it. I just get on with it.

My family are used to my quirks. I can’t say they understand and I don’t expect them to, but they just let me get on with it.

It’s not a case of just getting over it, all the years of negative thinking and reinforcement has made it difficult to improve. Imagine trying to eat a live spider, how your body would react. That’s what I feel like trying to eat 2 day old bread. It just rejects it. Living with other people ensures that food does not go to waste and I am very aware that this sounds like an overdramatic first-world problem, I would like to point out that I am grateful for being able to afford the food that I want.

I do however hope that there is someone out there that understands, because it is quite a lonely feeling. No Google results come up with anything like this apart from maybe contamination OCD, but even then I don’t feel scared of getting sick…I don’t think. I am not diagnosed and don’t think I would be able to face going through any sort of therapy. The Agoraphobia recovery is enough (and it is going amazingly well, but more on that at a later date.) I guess in a way it is about control. When things get stressful, I find myself having a more difficult time. I don’t know. I will stop oversharing at some point.

I was in two minds whether to post this, but I had a strop yesterday when my pizza turned up with a dead fly on it. Wouldn’t have been a massive deal, but I was two mouthfuls in. I was sick and didn’t eat for the rest of the day. Today I am struggling, but I am cracking on the best I can. I just don’t want to go back to having to check through my entire meal for insects before I can eat. That’s not a fun time.

I will stop complaining about my life now, but I hope at least a couple of people out there don’t think I’m a massive weirdo and anyone that can relate, please reach out.

Happy #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek everyone!