Today I should be coming home from Japan, but as you may have guessed I didn’t get to go. It made me think of how different things are in comparison to last year. This time in 2019 I was taking a year off from work, living off my savings and even though I felt like I had made some progress, I was still over-planning, I was still unable to get to Birmingham and was a 50/50 chance I would get on the plane for my first holiday abroad.
This year I am working, going out for meals, coming off of medication and before COVID hit, I was actually 100% excited to go back to Tokyo. The change in myself is huge. Before lockdown, I was sitting in Yo! Sushi with my partner eating spicy food after a brief meet up with friends. That is something I could have only dreamed of even four months before.
I have a job which I enjoy and look forward to, it’s only part-time but after two six-day weeks with dining out, babysitting and the gym sprinkled in, I have proven to myself that I am able to take on more. I have attended food festivals, dined out and spent more time in Birmingham. I honestly owe a lot to my holiday last year.
No, I’m not cured. These things do not come easy and some days I still need to mentally prepare myself to walk out the door. I am, however, a lot more confident, a lot happier and I just know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I would say to anyone who is afraid to take the next step, not just in Agoraphobia recovery but in anything. Do it carefully, do it sensibly and you will not regret the decision to just do it. It could change your life.
So what’s next for me?
Well, I am planning more time away and even a solo holiday, but that may be a little further in the future. I’m getting out more, I’m hoping to be more confident around food and I MIGHT even socialise but let’s not get hasty.
Two years ago today, we lost a fantastic, brave, clever lady who impacted so many people’s lives.
So often we feel like we can’t talk about our loved ones that have passed away out of fear we will make things feel awkward, or it looking like an attention seeking act. But you know what? Who cares?
Instead of feeling sad, I’ve decided to share more about her life and who she was to me.
So this is Jane.
She loved music with Download festival being her second home. She came with me to my first rock gig and I think she has seen more bands than I have.
Like any high-class woman, she loved a pint or 5 and was not afraid to make a fool of herself. I’m sure many of you have great memories and photos which you should definitely share!
She loved exploring our ancestry and often went on little trips to little towns to find out more. Always trying to talk my ear off about our past, sometimes I wish I’d acted more interested. Don’t think she would have been convinced though. She also loved taking walks around local manor houses and national trust sites. Clumber Park is still one of the places I feel closest to her. I remember the time I was bitten by a squirrel while walking there and neither her nor dad took my rabies worries seriously.
She might have been a funky lady, but she still made sure to embarrass me like a good mum should. Though I’m pretty sure my friends thought she was cooler than me anyway.
We’d spend hours learning useless trivia such as every country and it’s flag, all the elements of the periodic table…all those useful life skills. Didn’t quite manage the capital cities of the world, but I’ll get there one day.
When I used to walk home late at night in Birmingham, she’d get google street-view up so she could walk home with me and if I didn’t text her after a night out, she’d Facebook all my friends to see if I was safe. Let’s be honest though, no student is awake at 9am on a good day, never mind after a heavy night!
She was a great friend and an amazing mum and I know I’m not the only one who misses her everyday.
I hope she would be proud of me and what I’m doing with my life.
There’s so much I could share about her, all the funny memories, all the inside jokes, but I know a lot of you remember her in your own way and I would love to hear your stories and see your photos.
I thought I would post in honour of world mental health day.
I spoke before about what Agoraphobia is in this post, but today, I’m not talking about definitions and symptoms. I am talking about the daily lives of people living with this disorder and the realities of being Agoraphobic.
Everyone’s experience is going to be different. We all have different things that make us uncomfortable and we are all at different stages of recovery.
I think the best way to talk about this is using my own experience, rather than trying to generalise…so here it goes.
When I was first diagnosed, I had a lot of issues about a lot of things. Leaving my town or going on public transport was a big nope. In my mind I was thinking that if I got on a bus and started to panic, then I had two options. I could stay on the bus and have a panic attack, or I could get off the bus and wait half an hour to get on another bus home, alone and freaking out.
What is the best way to tackle this? Just don’t bother trying. Avoid it. At least that’s what you tell yourself, in reality, you are just making it worse.
I remember one time when I was a little better, I went to Nottingham for the day. We’d just had food and I was walking across the square. I just happened to look around me and noticed how many people there were. I instantly went dizzy and hot. I told my partner that I needed to leave. We started walking back to the car and and then it, one of my worse nightmares. I was sick. Right there in broad daylight in front of a crowd of people.
I had to sit down in a side street and pull myself together. I felt if I moved, I would be sick again. I was dizzy, nauseous, panicking and my head was fuzzy. I wanted to get back to the car, but I didn’t think I could make it safely back without being sick, falling over or dying. I was trapped.
It took about 20 minutes, but I finally managed to get up and drag myself back to the car. As soon as I closed the door, the feelings started to instantly subside. 30 seconds ago, my chest felt tight like I was having a heart attack and couldn’t breathe and had all the symptoms of the flu. Then once I was somewhere I felt safe, I felt better.
Even if I stuck with it and stayed, I would feel sick, extremely tired with a headache and walking round like I was in a dream for the rest of the day. It’s not pleasant.
It all might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you it’s not. These physical symptoms are often the reason people with anxiety or panic disorders do what they can to avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
The symptoms do feel like a heart attack crossed with a fever. Your chest is tight, you are hyperventilating, you are too hot and shaky, you feel sick and faint. Your fingers and toes go numb. Everything is louder and brighter, you can’t focus, you get confused and the only thing clear in your head is that you need to go home.
Even when you are not having a panic attack and you are just anxious, you can feel sick, your mind is fixated on how uncomfortable you feel, your heart is racing. It feels like you are waiting in the wings about to go on stage in front of hundreds of people, only to realise you don’t know your lines. It really doesn’t make for a nice day.
Agoraphobia can make you feel panicked in a room full of your immediate family and closest friends. It can make holidays and social events feel like a nightmare rather than a fun time. When I book in to have my hair done, there is a 50/50 chance I will make it. Other times I’ll be sat in McDonalds bathroom unable to come out.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I am trying to put it in a way that someone who has never experienced it can understand.
I have managed to make my way through most of this with a lot of hard work and therapy. I am stronger and I know myself better now I have fought this.
It’s not just feeling nervous or as easy as just stepping out of the house. It’s something you have to tackle consistently or you slide back down that slippery slope to being housebound again.
In other words, it’s pretty sh*t.
It’s not always like this though. I find comfort in going out and walking in nature. Some of my favourite places are the busiest (London, Brighton and Tokyo). When you achieve something, it honestly feels like you are invincible. It is such an amazing feeling.
I want to raise more awareness about this disorder because it is a lot more complex than people think.
So I haven’t posted in a while, but that will change soon. I have about 35 posts to write and schedule and PLENTY of ideas for future posts and series, so hopefully by the end of the month we’ll be back on it!
I haven’t just been sitting around however, I’ve:
Opened two online stores on Spreadshirt, one looking specifically at mental health and the other is for home decor posters to frame. I’ll put my links on the site once I have reworked some of the designs. (I’m hoping to open an online store with home made mental health stuff, but I need to find the time!)
Collaborated with a mental health team to give one of my items away as part of a their first anniversary celebration.
Been creating cool freebies for a mailing list I will be launching later in the month
Had one of my posts was published on a website, which is exciting!
Taken the next step to getting back on track and have been looking for jobs. Happy to say I have been offered a little part time position in my hometown which is perfect for me right now. I love my team and couldn’t be happier. I’m already feeling more confident.
Found a new love…crochet. I’m picking it up quite quickly, so I will be able to show you some of my little creations soon (hopefully!) I’m such a cool person
I’m working out most days now and choosing healthier food options. I’ve put on a fair bit of weight and am aiming to lose 1.5 stone by the end of the year.
As you might also be able to see, I have given the blog a little update. I fancied changing things up so I hope you like it! I’ll be making little changes here and there before I’m truly happy with it, but please give me some feedback.
Also as of today, I am back on the countdown to my next Tokyo Trip in June. I can’t wait and will definitely be writing a lot more about this.
It’s been a busy time.
Overall I am really doing well right now, this blog has given me purpose and I feel very motivated to continue to grow and learn.
Lots of exciting things ahead, so watch this space!
I know, I know. I’m definitely late to this show. But given the topic of my last post, I thought it would be a good time to review this.
Spoiler warning! If you plan on watching this and don’t want it to be spoiled for you, I would recommend whacking on Netflix and giving it a watch before you read this. There are only 6 episodes and I got through it in one evening.
I thought I was going to watch this an offer my honest thoughts and feelings episode by episode writing as I watched. However after writing it, I decided that I would sleep on it as it was quite an emotional rollercoaster and that I would sleep on it to give a bit more of a clear headed perspective.
So the plot basics, we meet Tony, a guy who has lost his wife during the year to cancer. He has a father who has alzheimer’s, a job he finds unfulfilling and a dog that continuously stops him from killing himself. She also happens to be the cutest dog on the planet. The series covers his life over what looks like a month or so and how he deals with his grief.
The Pros…
I laughed, I cried, like I said it was a rollercoaster of emotion. The situation in general was very similar to what we as a family were going through at the time, so it definitely struck a chord.
The show offers a very unique perspective on grief. Unlike in films where they lay about on the settee eating ice cream and finding the perfect partner at the end, in a way romanticizing it. We are looking at a man who has been through the initial stage of shock and denial and is pining, angry and depressed. It offers a real look into the symptoms of grief and the aftermath of losing someone very close to you in an honest and unapologetic way. My absolute favourite parts were where Tony is dealing with people in his everyday life that know his situation but can’t relate and he seems so isolated. Then out of nowhere, he has little moments with people who understand and the connection is so bittersweet and raw. For example, when he goes to the house to interview an old man who received 5 of the same card for this birthday. He initially is uninterested and thinks that this is a complete waste of his time. The old man then reveals that his wife has died and that it’s funny little stories like this he wants to tell her and then remembers that she is no longer there. But little things like getting these 5 cards that just make his day a little brighter.
We also get into the darker side of grief. Julian is a homeless drug user that Tony decides to buy heroin from to escape his reality. Tony states that there’s no point in worrying about it as there is nothing to live for, if it gets bad he can always kill himself. As we get further into the series, it is revealed that Julian lost his girlfriend to a drug overdose and this is how he gets through the day, telling Tony that if he had the money he would buy as many drugs as he could and overdose. Tony gives him the money and Julian kills himself. It shows that grief can lead to difficult, mal-adaptive coping behaviours. Without a support network and ways to properly cope with the loss, he lives a life trying to numb the pain and ultimately dies sad and alone.
The whole show has different people coping with loss in different ways, such as the lovely lady, Anne who sits on the bench and chats to her husband’s grave. She teaches him that life isn’t all about him and that making other people happy can ultimately make him happy. There is also a moment in which she says that she loves her husband so much that she would rather she be without him than he be without her. The friendship he builds with her is definitely my favourite.
The theme of depression is also prominent throughout the series. I thought it was very well written and acted. The unwashed dishes, the messy house, the suicidal intent, the anger. I especially liked the bit where he has no dishes and no milk so he just drank watery cereal. For me, it did not portray depression in this romanticised way that is common in today’s society. It was a very real, very uncensored take.
All the characters are really well written and they play an important role on the pathway through grief. I won’t go on about all the bits I loved, but know that it was the majority of the series.
The Cons…
While I did enjoy this show, there were a few things that I personally didn’t gel with.
The ending in which he gets a bike for the kid who he threatened was a little cheesy for my taste, I didn’t really think it was needed, but again just my personal opinion.
Also the psychiatrist he was seeing rubbed me the wrong way. While yes, I did find their interaction funny, I think it was a bad representation of an already fairly stigmatised treatment path. Maybe I am approaching this as a psychology grad, maybe I’m being too serious about this, but instead of ending where it turns out the psychiatrist has been enabling him to find his own path, it just ends where he decides he no longer needs to go anymore and offers a better insight than as to how he should cope and why. Not everyone needs professional help, but I think indicating that it is unhelpful isn’t the best way to approach this.
Another issue I had was the scenes where Tony is smoking heroin. The drug taking thing does not bother me at all and like I said earlier it shows the darker side of grief and coping with depression. My issue is that it was heroin, one of the most addictive drugs out there. A one hit and you’re hooked kinda deal. It seemed that even after taking heroin twice, there was no consequences and I feel like it was kind of treated like weed. Now there will be a second season, so maybe this will look at the drug addiction thing, but they have already broached this subject with Julian, so guess we will have to wait and see.
Linking to this and as I mentioned in part of the pros section, Tony has developed a kind of friendship with his drug dealer and eventually gives him the money he needs to overdose. I don’t feel like there is much of a reaction. While I think he feels that he had done the right thing because he knows what the dealer is feeling, there is no remorse even after he finds his own path through grief and he just carries on like he hasn’t just committed manslaughter. I kind of get it, but at the same time I think it was kinda swept under the carpet a little bit. Again though, there is a season 2, so maybe it will build on this.
One of the main issues for me is that although it was a great show, it did feel like the whole process was rushed. From multiple almost suicide attempts, anger and stating that the only thing that could make him happy is having his wife back, to going out for a drink with someone and moving into acceptance within a couple of episodes. It did feel a little rushed for me, but that might not have been the case for everyone. They did show the struggle and they did it very well, but I feel one like one minute he was going to drown himself in the sea and taking heroin and the next minute he is buying bikes for kids and asking people for drinks.
Final Verdict…
There were a few reviews I was looking at when writing this post that said that it was unrealistic and said “so he thinks it’s okay to treat people like crap just because he has lost someone? I switched off” And I have to say, I completely disagree with them. As mentioned in my previous post, grief is a very personal thing and the show really reflects the anger, the frustration, the wanting to be left alone and the maladaptive behaviours that can come with losing someone. I feel like maybe if you haven’t experienced loss like this, you might not get as much out of it. I would definitely give this one a watch though. While it may not be perfect and maybe a little rushed, it is not afraid to tackle very real topics and do them justice, while injecting Ricky’s dry and sarcastic humour.
Overall, I would give this show a 8/10 and can’t wait for the second season.
So I know I have spoken a lot about mental health (that is the theme of the blog after all). I’d like to think that there’s more to me than just a disorder. So I thought I’d dedicate this post to myself and give you all some facts about me that you never asked for. Enjoy!
1. Were you named after anyone? My parents named me after someones dog…thanksguys
2. 3 things that make you happy? Family, goats and horror films
3. Do you have kids? Nope, but the more time Ispend with my niece, the broodier I get.
4. Choose a superpower Teleportation for sure! Want to visit a country? Boop. Woke up late for work? Boop. Really fancy Mexican food but you live in the middle of nowhere? Boop.
5. Tea or coffee? A nice decaf tea, milk, no sugar please 😁
6. How tall are you? A boring 5’5, average (I think)
7. Would you bungee jump? You could not pay me enough!
8. Favourite film? Genuinelycouldn’t pick one, so havemytop 3: REC, Lost in Translation and The Room
9. What is the first thing you notice about people? Probably what they are wearing
10. Favourite game? Silent Hill 2 (I.D.S.T <3)
11. What is the least favourite thing about yourself? My nose! It is the size of a small country!
12. Who do you miss the most? Obvious answer here, my mum. I miss her everyday
13. What is your favourite song at the moment? Joji – Slow Dancing in the Dark I’m O B S E S S E D
14. What did you want to be when you grew up? FBI agent (thank you x files) or a storm chaser. Would still jump at the chance to do either!
15. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? White for sure! I’msuper pale and no one really wants me there.
16. Favourite smells? Freshly baked bread, citrus candles and petrol!
17. Mountain hideaway or beach house? Definitely the beach, I love being bythe sea
18. Favourite sport to watch? Rugby Union! Although figure skating looks pretty darn cool
19. Hobbies? Gaming, painting, watching scary films, going on adventures and writing for you lovely people.
20. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I have a coupleofplaces I want to visit: Israel, Tanzania, Korea, Singapore, Norway and Canada
21. Favourite Food? Either donuts (fried with sugar), Japanese french toast, grapes or pato taquito 🤤
22. Summer or Winter? Winter, no contest! I have terrible hayfever
23. Hugs or kisses? Not a huge fan of either, but if I had to pick, hugs
24. Recommend a book Autobiography: Girl with 7 names by Lee Hyeon-seo Creepy: Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk Mystery: No Time for Goodbyes by Linwood Barclay Hopefully one of those will take your fancy
25. Any tattoos? No, but I’ve had a design for about 9 years whichI’m too scared to get done
26. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? Indoor pool and sauna 100%
27. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Chernobyl, it was equal parts amazing and sad
28. What scares you the most? Silverfish, they’resuper fast, have too many legs and quite frankly are devil spawn
29. What do you think is the most important ingredient for a successful relationship? Honesty
30. What do you hope to achieve by the end of the year? Be able to do a push-up and get back to earning money and being a financially, emotionally stable dudette.
Bonus! My favourite colour is orange. So now you know.
I feel like I’ve channeled my 2008 Myspace self, posting on the message board. Feel free to use this and let people know you are more than just your mental health.
I am by no means an expert on this subject. My first (almost) airport experience was in December last year; I was having a panic attack outside. It all ended with me going home and missing out on the Christmas markets of Berlin. My fellow agoraphobics will know the stress of feeling like you can’t escape. For me, that’s what going past security signifies for me.
My last airport experience was 5 months later in May. I was returning from an amazing time in Tokyo. A 29 hour, action-packed travel experience.
I’m not going to lie and say it was an easy 5 months prior to getting on the plane, nor was the experience of getting to Japan anything resembling the pictures on the airport website. I would however like to share what I have learnt and how I managed to make my holiday and the journey back something to be proud of.
For those taking your first steps into the world as an agoraphobic such as myself, or as an anxious traveller in general, it will take some hard work, time and preparation, but I promise you it will be worth it.
Before you book…
Tackling anxiety begins before you book the holiday. I know it seems a bit excessive, but trust me on this one.
A basic tip is to choose the month you travel carefully. As someone with no children, I have the luxury of being able to travel whatever time of year suits me, however I know this is not the case for others. July and August (summer holidays in the UK) are some of the busiest times for UK airports with everyone and their nan escaping the English “summertime” for somewhere that reaches above 12c. Half-terms and bank holidays are also subject to crowds. If you are in this situation, never fear, there are plenty of tips here for you.
For those with a bit of flexibility, I would recommend May as the Easter holidays are over and with May Day out of the way, there are 3 weeks in which to get a holiday in. This is what I did, flying out on 13th May. However January, March and September are also months to consider and as they are classed as ‘off-peak’ times, prices are usually cheaper. Win-win!
A useful feature Google has implemented is the ‘popular times’ section, which you will find when you search for your location. There will be a chart showing how busy it will be during certain times and certain days. Honestly, this feature has been a god send for me. I can go out and explore new places or eat at new restaurants without turning into a puddle of stress beforehand.
Pre-airport (>1 month to go)…
Okay great! You’ve booked your holiday and you didn’t die, but your work is not complete.
Holiday shopping, the time I go and buy new clothes a dress size smaller and pray to the heavens that somehow my unchanged diet and exercise will culminate in a flatter stomach. Not this time though. Before flying I decided to buy clothes I would feel comfortable in all day, no jeans, no tight dresses. Having IBS, I tend to bloat quite considerably after eating a meal. I highly suggest UNIQLO for some high quality, decently priced clothes.
So, you are happy with the immense comfort you are going to be in throughout your holiday (while still looking cute, obviously). Now it’s time to get down to business.
Familiarisation with the airport is an important step for anyone anxious about travelling, especially for the first time. My mistake on my failed first attempt is that I had not even stepped foot inside an airport, never-mind familiarised myself with one. There are a few ways you can do this, however a combination can be most effective.
Physical:
Visiting the airport a couple of times before your flight is very useful. Try to pick a quiet day for your first time and just wander through at your own pace. It may be good to try to visit when it’s a little busier, then you can get a feel for what you may be faced with on the day. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, sit and have some food. Make sure you take note of where your check-in desk will be, where the special assistance counter is and where security is. Don’t feel you have to go on your own, it may be useful to take a person you are travelling with.
Try before you fly: I will be making a post of a lot of try before you fly opportunities in UK airports at a later date, however in the mean time I will briefly give you a run down. Many airports offer this throughout the UK to help the thousands of people who are anxious travellers or are travelling for the first time. East Midlands airport, for example, offer a free service which allows a tour of the airport (including through security) and the staff are incredible! You will be able to go through each step of the airport process in the company of fully trained staff, asking any questions you have. Honestly, it’s a huge confidence boost and I would recommend it to anyone.
Fear of flying courses are a good way to get used to the layout of a plane and the feeling of taking off an landing if it’s your first time. I personally haven’t done one of these as the flying part was not a source of anxiety. Most airports offer this service and there are a number of airlines with information about courses they offer. Please note that these are not free and prices may vary. Do some research and find out which course sounds the best for you.
Digital:
Looking through the airport maps and layouts gave me a good idea of what I was going to be faced with after security at Birmingham airport. What shops there were, where the lounge was and most importantly, where could I purchase snacks! If you are nervous, take the maps with you on the day and use them for reference, however I found that once I was there, everything is so clearly signed, I didn’t need them.
YouTube videos are also a good way to get a feel for the airport, especially if you are unable to travel to there before hand. Look at the most recent videos of the airport to see how busy it is and how everything looks. I found this to be relaxing on many of my sleepless nights on the run up to the day.
Special assistance can cover a lot of things. While it can mean providing wheelchairs, it can also be used by people who have hidden disabilities. In Birmingham Airport for example they can escort you through certain areas of the airport and you can even bypass some areas (e.g duty free) altogether if you, or the person you are travelling with get over-stimulated. There are also access to special use toilets which remind people that not all disabilities are visible, which I found comforting. Make sure you book this in advance (at least 48 hours), but I would recommend booking earlier as the airline I flew with advised that they did not provide this service, so I had to speak with airports individually. This isn’t the same with all airlines and some even have a section on the website where you can fill in a form indicating what service you need. You can find more information on the CAA website, or your airline/airport website. If you have any questions, get in touch with them directly, in my experience they will go above and beyond to help.
Checking medication is important if you are travelling somewhere like Dubai. Their medication list can seem a little confusing, however if in doubt, go to the UAE Health and Pevention website and submit an application so your medication is approved prior to your arrival. You will need a signed letter from your doctor confirming you’re not dodgy. However, after all the stress and anxiety the whole situation caused, they didn’t even question anything. So really, unless you are hiding narcotics up your bum, I wouldn’t worry.
Pre-airport (1/2 weeks before)
Packing: to ensure a stress free experience, write a list of outfits and essentials, ticking things off as you pack them. I would also invest in packing cubes to maximise the space in your case and make it easy to find everything.
When packing your hand luggage, make sure you put all your toiletries in a clear plastic seal-able bag and ensure that everything you take complies with airport policy. Leave this in an easily accessible place as you will need to take it out at security. Put your medication in your hand luggage with your prescription and doctors note (if required), again if they question it, all documentation is together and limits the stress. Put your boarding pass, passport and ticket at the front of your bag for easy access, you’ll need these throughout the airport during departure and arrival.
Green lanyard: another useful tip for those with hidden disabilities is the green lanyard. These are available in all UK airports for free. Some places will post them to you, however if you go to the special assistance counter on the day of travel, they will be able to give you one no problem. The lanyard is there to discreetly signal to staff that you have a hidden disability, this can be a comfort to those worried about security. When it is busy, you may be asked if you would like to use express lanes, however this is at the discretion of the staff. Please note, the lanyard does not automatically give you extra support, staff will not usually provide assistance, unless asked.
Get Apps
It’s true when they say that there’s an app for everything. I will be writing about my most used apps for mental health in a couple of weeks, but for now, I’ll give you a short rundown of some apps you might find useful for the airport.
Airline app: this is a must for me, I was able to check in, download an e-boarding pass; look at the food available on my flights; choose my seat and even make a playlist of films and TV shows I was going to watch during my flight. It’s just an easy way to have all the information at your fingertips.
Companion: this is basically pocket CBT. You are able to use it for free, or pay a monthly subscription, which really isn’t expensive, to access all of the features. You can document thoughts, learn about anxiety, practice relaxation and much more. Definitely worth checking out.
Podbean: podcasts seem to be the new ‘in’ thing. With Podbean, you are able to download podcasts to listen to offline, so anywhere, anytime, pop your headphones in and relax. My current faves are the Abroad in Japan podcasts and Lets read, a collection of creepy stories.
Member perks: if you are looking for a good deal or love freebies (let’s be honest, who doesn’t?) it may be worth signing up to be a member of the airline or hotel you will be using. I decided to sign up to become a member of my airline and was able to access WiFi for the whole 11 hour flight, instead of the 2 hours as is standard. It took 30 seconds to do and it was free! It may also give you discounted lounge access (depending on who you fly with).
Check in online: especially if you think it is going to be busy, checking in online is quick and stress free. Once you get to the airport, there may be a different queue for you to just drop your bag off. It’s a great way to speed up the airport process and limit the time you will be queuing. You may be able to pick your seat earlier dependent on the class and airline you are travelling with.
Entertainment: this is a must, especially if you have a long wait. If you have children, look to see whether there is a play area where they can let off some steam before getting on the flight. A deck of cards, a colouring book, something to keep you mentally stimulated can make it feel less like you are waiting to die. A good podcast and a wander round the shops is my preference.
The night before…
The first time I attempted to fly, it was an early morning flight and I hadn’t got a great nights sleep. When I’m tired, I don’t cope well with any amount of stress. Safe to say, I wasn’t on the plane when it took off.
My second, successful attempt, I took some sleep medication and got an early night. The next morning, while it wasn’t all sunshine and daisies, I was more willing to push myself and manage my anxiety.
But what about before that?
The sun is setting and the reality of the situation hits you like…well, a plane.
My evening consisted of hitting the gym, then immediately going home and eating a takeaway. Put a face mask on, horror film on the big telly. Sorted. I also went through the entire process with my partner, from waking up to getting on the plane. It really helped to clear my mind of any worries and doubts floating around in my head.
If you have a distance to travel the next day, maybe consider staying at an airport hotel, so the next day you can wake up and walk across the road. Personally I find a bit of a drive calms me down, but everyone is different.
Finally, if you are travelling for the first time, or with new people, let them know what you need from them. My fellow travel companions got a firm, no nonsense “don’t talk to me”. It’s a miracle that they still put up with me. If you need to be left alone or whether you need little whispers of encouragement, let them know, they will understand.
But remember a good nights sleep is really important.
T-day…
So the day has arrived. All your months of preparation are now being put into practice. You’ve been to the airport before. You’ve watched the YouTube videos. Everything is organised. You know what to do and where you are going. You. Got. This.
Get there in plenty of time; I got there maybe 3 hours before, dropped my bag off and headed for the special assistance counter to get my lanyard. I’m not going to lie, it was still tough and a tear or ten was definitely shed, but instead of thinking “I can’t do this, I need to leave NOW!” I was thinking “I am going at my own pace, I will get there.” I sat at a quiet restaurant opposite security and waited for it to be quiet. I gave myself plenty of time so I never felt rushed and could stop and breathe without fear of missing my flight.
Express security: if it looks busy or you feel like you need to get it over with, think about maybe purchasing express security if offered. However if they see your green lanyard, they may invite you to go through free of charge. Speak with the staff member at the security desk and look at your options.
Lounge access: I was lucky enough to have lounge access for my flight and I couldn’t recommend it enough. It is away from all the hustle and bustle of the airport and depending on which lounge you choose, there are showers, food, drinks and toilets available to you. It gives you a chance to regroup in a quiet, relaxed environment before you get on the flight and continue your journey. Prices vary and as mentioned before, it is worth looking at any membership benefits that may give you discounts.
Wear comfy and easy clothes. What I mean by this is don’t wear your fancy chain trousers or your suit of armour. Anything metal such as belts, jewellery, jackets and sometimes shoes have to be removed before walking through the metal detector. On the other side you will be subject to a quick pat down, so the more simple and light your clothing, the quicker it will be over and done with. If you are not comfortable with doing this in the open, there are sectioned off areas where this can take place. These areas are also a good place to get yourself together before continuing on.
Make sure your phone is fully charged. At some airports they may ask you to show that your phone turns on before they allow you to take it on the flight. To prevent any doubt, make sure your phone is fully charged before you enter the airport. This way you can also make sure you have enough battery to play games, listen to podcasts and text before you get on the plane.
What not to do:
Alcohol: It may be tempting to have a little liquid courage before getting on the plane and one won’t hurt. Just remember if you have one too many, the staff will probably tell you that you aren’t able to fly.
Caffeine: For obvious reasons.
Suffer in silence: If you are having a really difficult time, speak to a staff member. They will be able to point you in the direction of a quiet area or maybe even have quiet rooms available to you.
So that’s it. That’s the post.
Feel free to contact me with any questions and I will help as much as I can.
It’s been 5 years now since my panic attack And while I have definitely improved over the years, I am still definitely not your average girl.
I have been wondering quite a lot recently whether if I continue to step out of my comfort zone, this will all go away.
I can move around my hometown quite easily, although if I need to travel any further or I have to be somewhere, I still get very anxious before leaving the house.
I’m still using unhelpful coping behaviours (wearing loose clothes, carrying water, excessive planning) which I am working on.
Eating out at restaurants is still impossible unless it’s somewhere I’m very familiar with and it’s within a small group.
Socialising is completely out of the window, although I am happy being on my own. I don’t think it’s healthy though.
Thinking about the future, will I have enough time to build a career and travel the world before my baby clock runs out? Or will this be a struggle for years to come?
Who knows?
I think one day I will be able to go and eat food in a large group wearing jeans (I know, I have crazy high aspirations), but will I ever be truly comfortable?
I think one day I will be able to have my dream career, but will I be able to cope with the stress long-term?
I think one day I will look back at this post and smile because everything will be alright
So a couple of posts back, I spoke about my upcoming trip to Japan.
The day finally came…
I had a panic attack on the way there and was given oxygen and a wheelchair. I also cried and nearly got a plane back home while waiting for our connecting flight in Dubai. It took me a couple of days after arriving to be confident to leave the hotel and eat outside of my room and a couple more after that to go any further than the park across the road.
But
After pushing myself every day, planning and taking care of myself, I can say that is the happiest and most accomplished I have felt it a very very long time.
A few achievements:
Getting on an insanely crowded train
Travelling to the other side of Tokyo on my own
Visiting an art gallery with limited signs, no floor plan and hard to find exhibits.
Braving the tiny aisles of Don Quijote at an insanely busy time
Getting completely lost and keeping my head (Embarrassed to say more than once and I had Google Maps)
Travelling 11 hours to Dubai, getting 3 hours sleep and then going out to explore with no idea where I was going
After getting back to the hotel in Dubai, going straight to the hotel restaurant, eating a meal quickly and getting in a car back to the airport. No time for resting.
Braving the Shinjuku station area at rush hour
Catching 11 trains in one day (my feet are still recovering from the adventuring).
Safe to say I thrived.
I feel like a different person in all honesty.
If you are looking for something completely different to your everyday and feel ready for the challenge, I would definitely recommend Tokyo.
Here’s why…
As I travel more and see more countries, I’ll be able to make more posts giving you the run down. I know before I went, I had seen good reviews from anxious travelers, but I had hoped for something a little more comprehensive. I hope you find this useful.
Get in touch if you have any questions and I will answer them the best I can!
It’s perfectly reasonable for an agoraphobic who has never left England to travel to the other side of the world, to a place with a completely different language, culture and some insanely busy streets….right?
So last year when I was still working, my sister, dad and I booked a once in a lifetime trip to Tokyo as I kind of retreat after the loss of mum. I was apprehensive, but hey, I was working 3 jobs and was emotionally stable, it’d be fine.
In the 10 months that followed, I had quit all of my jobs and had a bit of a mental breakdown.
I’ve been trying really hard to get myself back on track to make sure that I can actually get on the plane, unlike my recent failed Berlin attempt.
So, what am I doing about it?
Plan Plan Plan! If I was on Mastermind, this journey would be my specialist subject. I know everything. From the layout of the airports to every way to get to the hotel once we’ve arrived. I would like to note that this is really not a healthy level of planning and I know that, but it’s my first trip, cut me a bit of slack!
Make it easier Special assistance is getting sorted; my green lanyard is sorted out and ready for collection (I will expand on this in a later blog) and I’ve visited the airport a couple of times.
Don’t kid yourself
It’s going to be stressful; it is going to be busy and there is every chance that I will have a panic attack. It’s just a part of the journey I will have to accept. The first step is always the hardest.
Prepare Packing lists are my best friend, use them wisely. Download podcasts for the airport and flight. Make sure I have money for snacks (very important!) Pleeaaaseee don’t forget medication!
Learn important phrases
Familiarise myself with useful phrases such as:
“Where is the convenience store?” and “For the love of God, somebody please help me”
Get excited
Excitement and anxiousness produce the same physical response in many respects, it’s the way we approach them that determines everything.
I’m going on holiday, I’m going to see some amazing things and maybe re-enact Lost in Translation.
I believe my agoraphobia stemmed from the depression and stress of my mum being diagnosed with multiple myeloma a month after I had moved out for the first time for university.
I remember after I graduated and I moved home, I would frequently travel from Nottingham to Birmingham to visit my boyfriend.
By this point it had been 4 years, I had been struggling with my mental health with no medication and no professional help. My brain decided that it had had enough.
17th April 2015, my sister’s birthday. I was supposed to be travelling home from Birmingham for a family meal. The train was booked, my bags were packed.
I couldn’t do it.
My body froze, my mind fogged and I had a huge panic attack. I messaged my sister and told her that I was sick.
The next week was filled with doctors visits for medication to help me get home (which didn’t help) and a long, terrifying message to my parents explaining the truth about what had happened.
A couple of days later and my parents came to collect me.
I. Was. A. Mess.
I got home and became housebound. The town I had known for over 20 years became a place of anxiety and fear.
With a bit of coaxing, I went to the GP who prescribed me some anti-depressants and referred me to a high-intensity therapist for CBT.
With a lot of hard work and support, I was getting there. I was happily working a full time and part time job, as well as volunteering for a youth charity once a week. The anxious feeling was still there, but manageable and I started to venture out more and more.
In October 2017 after a 6 year battle with cancer, my mum passed away and for a month I went and ate at restaurants, navigated through busy places and crowded rooms, completely numb.
A couple of months later, I quit one job and spent the rest of my time crying and being sick at my full-time, high pressure job. Management and colleagues were so understanding, but ultimately I was in no place to continue. It was sad, but it was the best decision I’ve made.
It’s been 11 months living off of dwindling savings and fearing that I will be unable to hold down a job in case I am stuck in the same unmanageable situation. I slowly regressed back into being a homebody, cutting everyone out. I have worked through my grief and am trying hard everyday to take my life back.
Present day, I am pushing myself as much as I can and hope to document my successes and blips. It would be nice to have you along for the journey.
Life With A 